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My depression ate the cookie even though the OCD said NO.

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…. “So today my coworker could see that uh, I was pretty down” ….

…. “I was like, I’m out, I’m done” ….

…. “He tried to give me a cookie” ….

…. “If you know me, you know I’m NOT a big fan of even ME, MYSELF, touching my own food” ….

…. “My coworker sees I’m not the person he knows, its scary, I’m fucking dark” ….

…. “All I do is see that he’s holding it with his fingers” ….

…. “I take it just to be polite” ….

…. “Then I’m like god damn it its a f****** white maca chip, what is that? white chocolate macadamia nut, god damn that, that’s my favorite” ….

…. “I’m just like f*** this, I’m so fucking done, I’m so f****** lost and low” ….

…. “I don’t give a f*** about anything” ….

…. “Fuck this!” ….

…. “I’m eating the cookie” ….

{RAMBLE…. LISTEN TO THE AUDIO ITS SUPER WAY GREAT}

…. “F*** this, I’m depressed, I’m low, I’m f****** done, I don’t care” ….

…. “I’m eating the whole f****** cookie” ….

…. “Finger prints and all” ….

…. “Bring it on c***d-19, I don’t give a f***, Might be good for me” ….

Thanks for listening guys

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…. “I feel like I’m living on the edge right now because I only have like one podcast scheduled to go out” ….

…. “ . . . They are so old when I listen to those I am like {god damn that’s an annoying b****}” ….

…. “. . .  I’m not postings that one, that one is so lame” ….

…. “um… so…….” ….

…. “I thought this is kinda cool actually” ….

…. “It means that my podcast and blog posts and everything with my instagram posts and all that . . . {because it’s happening in the same few days} it’s  like in real time” ….

…. “A lot of the old podcasts were like months old, or weeks old and now I’m at couple hours old type shit” ….

…. “So this shit is getting real” …. 

…. “Um. . . Sure its nice to have 7 podcasts scheduled for the week but uh. . . It’s hard. . . I’m working a lot and uh. . .yeah. . .” ….

…. “I don’t even want to go into the iPhone 5c and 6 archives. . . Or the iPads. . .um. .  ” ….

…. “I ain’t prepared to listen to those, they in the bad parts of life” ….

…. “. . . This is too boring, this is too sad” ….

…. “Not much of those get out” ….

…. “I feel like I’m eventually gonna run out and then I’m going to have. . .I’m gonna miss a day. . .and that’s crazy” ….

…. “I don’t know what happened, I just started this podcast so intuitively and uh . . . With no f****** plan but from day one the plan was, upload one a day and now I’m like shit. . . It’s getting scary” ….

…. “I’m getting scared, if I miss a day I’m gonna feel super disappointed” ….

…. “How hard can it be to upload a rant a day they are like 2 minutes long!? . . .  I can do it!. . .  I got this!. . .” ….

…. “I’m doing what I do and I like it and uh well see what happens and don’t beat me up if skip a day cuz I get busy. . . K? Thanks! Thanks for listening guys” ….

Peed in the jacuzzi

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…. “I was thinking like what am I going to talk about? I don’t know what to talk about” ….

…. “Let’s f****** do story time and let’s start at the beginning” ….

…. “I have a really bad memory. . . We’ll get to that later but. . .” ….

…. “Trying to think of the oldest memory I have of when I was little. . .” ….

…. “. . . And this one is so dumb but we’re starting at the beginning so here goes” ….

…. “Um. . . I was probably about six I think. . .  I don’t know” ….

…. “I was young and we were all in the hot tub” ….

…. “. . .  Six. . . Ten. . . Whatever. . .” ….

…. “. . . And I peed” …. {shhhh}

….  “I peed in the hot tub, the jacuzzi or whatever” …. 

…. “I thought. . .  no like I’m six. . . It’s ok. . . it’s ok  I have to pee. . . I don’t want to get out. . . Everyone’s going to look at me. . .” ….

…. “My Uncle. . . Whatever ever the guy is. . . My grandma’s brother. . . I’ll call him my uncle cuz I don’t think he is by grandpa. . .he is not my grandpa. . .” ….

…. “Um. . .he. . .uh. . .he was like {WHO PEED IN THE THE JACUZZI}” ….

…. “And I was like . . . Grew up my whole life so f****** mortified. . .” ….

…. “So mortified that ummm. . .  That he knew. . . Somebody peed. . . And maybe he could spot my poker face, you know?” ….

…. “At six years old I was like. . .{does he know its me, or do I have a good poker face, I don’t know I’m six! F***!}”  ….

…. “NOW. . . As an adult I think about this and I’m like {come on I’m a six year old!?}” ….

…. “How much pee did I have?” ….

…. “Like an ounce of tequila? “ ….

…. “How did this uncle thing know that I peed in the pool and I’m like NO!” ….

…. “I don’t think that’s possible. . .just one six year old. . . But there was probably multiples of us in there” ….

…. “So I think we must of all f****** peed in the jacuzzi so it was concentrated enough to so that my . . . Uncle man knew we peed in the pool” ….

Mad at the dolphins

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…. “So I don’t have a podcast, I almost wasn’t?!” ….

…. “I was like you know what? F*** it, I’m not gonna do a podcast” ….

…. “But then right now I just said f*** it, I’m gonna do a podcast” ….

…. “I’m gonna speak it right now {this is what I’m doing}” ….

…. “Then I’m gonna type that s*** up and put it up there so that we have a mother f****** podcast for tomorrow, OK?” ….

…. “I don’t know who is listening but thank you and here goes” ….

** A very high, tired me  trying to tell a story on why I hated dolphins for all my childhood. ***Too high and tired to transcribe the rest of the recording
****Not sure anyone reads this anyway

All I want in a relationship

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…. “If it sounds like I’m peeing. . . . I’M NOT” ….

…. “I’m just brewing some tea . . . So don’t get on my case about that” ….

…. “After a long day at work and standing . . . My f****** feet, ankles, knees, back, arms, everything just hurts” …. 

…. “So all I want is just someone who’s gonna rub my feet and head and everything in between” …. 

…. “And um. . . Cuddle and not say a word” ….

…. “Like that’s all I want in life, and if I ain’t getting that from someone why the f*** am I in a relationship with you?” ….

No one is screwing me over anymore

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…. “I definitely wasn’t always the person who didn’t give a s*** about anything or what people do, say or think about me” ….

…. “I was definitely the opposite of that for the majority of my life” ….

…. “And unfortunately it was like my last {kind of} relationship, if you want to call it that, that uh really made me snap and just say f*** it ” ….

…. “I’m so f****** done!” ….

…. “Because. . .like. . .this m***** f***** like assaulted me and manipulated me” ….

…. “It was so fucking bad and I didn’t even know it till like a few weeks in what the f*** was going on and what had happened actually ” ….

…. “I was so f****** like freaked out and like what the f***?! How did this happen? ” ….

…. “And um, like I’m trying to get rid of this m***** f***** and trying to be nice about it” ….

…. “I realize, like yeah, me being nice and trying not to hurt other people was reallly really f****** me over” ….

…. “And finally I had to tell this m***** f*****, don’t f***** contact me” ….

…. “And it was like weird, it was super hard and strange and it felt good” ….

…. “It felt so f****** good that like I really just snapped into this other side of it where I’m like f*** that feels good to just not give a f***” ….

 …. “I’m not taking care of your feelings anymore its time to take care of my feeling” ….

…. “I’m still a good person. . . . But. . . No one is f****** me over anymore” ….

Sex, drugs, and orgasms

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…. “I used to be on anti-anxiety medicine.. . “ ….

…. “I was a little emo, angsty kid and uh, {laughs}” ….

…. “I like scraped. . .  You know I wouldn’t call it cutting” ….

…. “I wrote some freakin note and put a little blood on it so that like my mom could think I was serious {laughs}” ….

…. “I was just being a dramatic little b****” ….

…. “So of course my mom takes me to some doctor and was like {she’s broken put some pills in her}” ….

…. “So I started on Prozac really early” ….

…. “You know what. . . I’ve been on the works of pills” ….

…. “In 2016 I was like . . . F*** meat, F*** dairy, F*** psychiatrists and all that shit” ….

…. “In 2018 the vegan diet was f***** me up, I was like slowly dying” ….

…. “My mental health was bad. . . I’d say even schizophrenic at times, full of anxiety and so much physical pain.” ….

…. “I was just so sick” ….

…. “Got back on medication for the anxieties and stuff” …. 

…. “2019 the beginning I started eating meat again. . . ” ….

…. “THATS NOT MY F****** STORY, lets get back on track” ….

…. “Anyways I was on a lot of medications” …

…. “I think I’ve been off all medications for a good couple months now. . . At least 6 months” ….

…. “I’ve gone off medication maybe 3 times total” ….

…. “I always thought like maybe I have that sexual dysfunction cuz I can’t really orgasm that easy” ….

…. “I thought getting off medication would help” ….

…. “It’s still so hard” ….

…. “I realize I think that {laughs}” ….

…. “I think its just that I’ve had really bad experiences” ….

…. “So I think its that” ….

…. “It’s not the medication and the drugs” ….

…. “It’s the bad experiences that make is so I can’t have an orgasm easily” ….

…. “I can, it just takes a lot of work by myself, I don’t f****** trust nobody like that anymore because of my bad experiences” ….

…. “People talk about sex like {oh yeah that sex was good, we were f***** screaming and rocking and the bed broke and this and that}” ….

…. “I’m like what!? . . .That sounds like really uh-emotional, uh-personal. . . That seems very like. . . I DON’T KNOW . . .” ….

…. “You guys didn’t even know each other’s names!? That’s not good” ….

…. “So um. . . I don’t want that! I’m not going to get an orgasm from that” ….

…. “What? Cuz you can eat good pussy?” ….

…. “I can’t! No! I got to be so in love with you that can just blow on it and I will have an orgasm because I’m that in love with you” …. 

…. “That’s the problem, I ain’t getting close to no body to love them” ….

…. “So that’s why I can’t have an orgasm I guess” ….

…. “Does that make sense to you?” ….

…. “It’s eye opening to me” ….

…. “But I don’t know if like, you know. . .” ….

…. “When my sentences come out, I’m my head they are like Mozart music but when it comes out its like Picassos f****** pictures” ….

…. “The whole reason I brought up the whole sex talk orgasm shit was mostly cuz I wanted to say one thing that i thought i thought was funny and I don’t think i said it!? Did I? Do you know if I said it?” …. 

…. “It was that um {laughs} mother f***** I FORGOT!” ….

…. “So when I’m trying to have an orgasm. . . What I do is pretend I am madly in love with this person” ….

…. “. . .the kissing and the cuddling and looking into each other’s eyes, just going really slow and becoming one is what helps me have and orgasm” ….

…. “Not that rough and ready, quick and mother f***** I don’t know what” ….

…. “That’s just NO, porn shit NO” ….

Random thoughts and facts

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…. “So uh” ….

…. “Sorry I’ve been a little MIA on the podcast” …. 

***(PS find me where the podcasts are for the most current rants)***

…. “Just uh. . . I don’t know. . . Trying to figure my life out” ….

…. “Also . . . Uh. . . ” ….

…. “Sometimes I have my cup that I drink my tea in and I clean it out in the shower  while I clean myself” …. 

…. “I thought I wanted you guys to know that” ….

…. “As I’m just showering and doing my dishes over here” ….

Getting good at being yelled at

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…. “Just waking up” ….

…. “I’m up, I’m up, I’m up, I’m up” ….

…. “I just was thinking” ….

…. “Going down memory lane and how I used to just be this different person that . . . um couldn’t handle stress” ….

…. “I was like terrified of everything, Everything!” …. 

…. “I needed to be institutionalized, I mean I might still need to be institutionalized but whatever I’m happy” ….

…. “Back then I wasn’t happy and I was fucked up. . . or in a different way and um. . .” ….

…. “Im just like wow I’ve come so fucking far” ….

…. “I’m so like spiritual and awakened you know, like. . .” ….

…. “When theses m***** f****** are b******* and moaning at me” ….

…. “I don’t even f****** bat and eyelash” ….

…. “I know, I’m like in my head {I know this m***** f***** is having a bad day}” ….

…. “Whatever, something ain’t right, it has absolutely nothing to do with me” ….

…. “They are just sick of all the rules and changes in life and all the other drama in their life” ….

…. “So they are taking this s*** out on me” ….

…. “I realize this, I realize this” ….

…. “I just sit there and let them go on their little hissy fits” …. 

…. “It’s the best f***** thing to do because these m***** f****** shut up and end up apologizing to me cuz they realize how f****** dumb they are!” …. 

….{Side story rant}….

…. “Mind you, I’m in the middle of a f****** haircut right now!” …. 

…. “So I tell this mother f*****. . .” ….

…. “So this guy keeps going off and saying some bull s***” ….

…. “Yes, I was shaky, I was reeling, reeling, reeling” …. 

…. “I wasn’t about to meet that fool with his energy” ….

…. “I hear this mother f***** say {it’s a real hostile environment in here, isn’t it?}” ….

…. “I’m not giving that f****** idiot any time of day right now” ….

…. “He is on a different plane and I don’t want to get on that one” ….

…. “I guess apparently he apologized to the stylists. . .” ….

…. “Awesome sweet” ….