I used to call myself a slut. I can see how wrong that phrase is now. I was a young girl who wanted real, true, love. I wanted that fairy tale love. Unfortunately, I was blessed with the looks of a slutty librarian and from my point of view; slutty librarians attract the worst kind of guys.
Growing up I didn’t have parents who were very “active” in my life. They worked their asses off to make sure we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. But, at the end of the day they were worn out and looking for their own salvation. We all have our own demons and traumas, we all want the same things in life but in different packages.
I wasn’t exactly taught what self respect was, or how to tell the good guys from the bad. I didn’t know that most if not all guys think with their dicks and will do whatever for them. I still have yet to meet one who actually wants to get to know ME versus desperately rushing to get to know my body.
I’m turning 36 in 2 months and I can honestly say I’ve never had good sex. I’m too fucked up in the head to enjoy it now. I’ve been sexually used and abused since the beginning of my adolescence. I was desperate to please, eager to be what people wanted me to be. I have had too many questionable experiences to count.
Its only taken me 36 years to finally say “What about me?”. Where are the guys lined up to please me? And I’m not talking sexually. I find no pleasure in a stranger who knows nothing about me, who has no true feelings for me other than trying to find my clit and touching me too hard for their own pleasure and my own personal pain.
Nobody taught me that sex and love are two very different things. I Think many will never learn that but I’ve always been very good at spotting patterns. The problem is sometimes the pattern has to repeat itself far too many times before I can spot it. The damage is done and it’s quite extensive in this instance.
I have finally stopped the pattern but I fear there is no hope for me now. I’m grown sick and tired of guys hitting on me. All I see is them wanting a piece of me, a taste of me for their own indulgence. They don’t have the slightest clue who I am, who I was, who I want to be, yet they want me and they have no desire to get to know me, only my body. I’m instantly turned off by any man that hits on me. I can’t help but see them as dogs. It’s like they think if they have a nice dick or a big house then I should be hot and bothered for them.
So I learned this week that money doesn’t buy happiness…
I quit my job… then they fired me…
I’m trying to do the hustle and the grind on the side and nothings… you know… taking off like immediately… who would have fucking known!!?… like I’m just impatient….
All I keep thinking is I went from making “this” a day and now I’m only making “sometimes this”…
But like also… in one fucking day… I made the most money I ever made…. I made enough to pay my rent next month… Like next week… I made enough to pay my rent next week….
Yet here I am… depressed….and thinking about how I’m not making what i’m used to making every day… And I’m not putting in the hours that i’m used to putting in every week…
But I already in one day just made… alot…. and its just like this weird mind fuck…
Like this has only been not even a week of being out on my own….
So I don’t know what the months going to look like… I’m starting to see though that I cant look at this per day… per hour…. It’s not gonna be like that… I have to compare month to month…
Im gonna try that out… I’m gonna try to be positive…
And I just need to remember to look at the wins not the losses… cuz the wins are great…
And I also think a lot about how people who win the lottery… It only comes to the people who are…. I don’t know…. I guess they expect it… They feel like they deserve it… they know what they are gonna do with it…
And I keep thinking…. If I….
You know, I listen to Abraham hicks and spiritual shit… And you got to believe in yourself and these things before they can come to you basically…
And so I keep thinking like… do I believe that I should win the lottery or be like really really really rich?…I keep thinking like what would my day look like what would I do… And I think about it and I’d probably still be lost and depressed and still have no fucking purpose and reason to live…
So maybe thats why I cant win the lottery…
But I do believe in myself enough to know that I can make it to next month so thats why… 2 days ago I won my own personal lottery where I can pay my rent next month….
I guess thats how life works…
So now I just gotta keep working on what would I do with a million dollars…
What would I do if I was rich….
Like I need to be prepared…
Cuz that shit ain’t gonna come to you if you aren’t prepared for it or if it somehow does fucking come to you its gonna knock you on your ass and your gonna be homeless and I don’t know… its gonna be bad…
So if you guys want to be rich…. if you want to win the lottery… prepare for it… Figure out what your day would be like… what would you do…
Cuz I don’t want to just win the lottery and be laying in bed all day cuz I’m depressed… And I think thats what I would do if I won the lottery right now.
So that’s why I cannot win the lottery right now…
I got to bust my butt off and enjoy this fucking struggle and just make it work cuz I guess that’s more fun…
She was telling me how this one client was flirting with her and he’s older
And I was like wait? what’s older? she says “like 38”
I’m like oh… that’s just like… my age
But I’m like also thinking like
“NO bitch they don’t get better with age, they get more fucked up with age”
They are so fucking damaged
Don’t go older bitch, you need to go younger, you need to get em like… locked up… like right out of the womb you know and you need to train em and um make sure they don’t get too fucked up
But by the time they get back up here in this age, in the thirties, they already fucked up
So… Working as the bottom of the barrel hairstylist at a chain salon…. for over a year now during a pandemic has been fucking shitty…
Ya know… You’re getting people that are… like ass holes… they think they are entitled… they think they are something…cuz… just… the… yeah… {???} they think they are something…
And they think they are going to like, a world famous barber… and they are gonna get the world famous fucking fade…and they are gonna… they are paying so much cuz its $19.50…
Nineteen dollars and fifty cents…. just…. its so expensive… they need the fucking… the worlds best barbers fade…
And uh… they need it right now…
Like… don’t make me wait… NO I need my haircut now…
I know I didn’t have an appointment and I know its 2020 and I know I’m supposed to wear a mask… but NO…. I aint wearing no fucking mask… and I aint making no appointments… This is the time I want right now…
I’m like NO… HONEY…. We booked… don’t cha know we are in the fucking middle of a pandemic… no one wants to work… we only got 2 stylists working… we are already booked honey…
We can do 5:30! Can you do 5:30???
No… theses mother fuckers are ass holes coming in here wanting their haircuts asap… they are expecting to get the world class barber and they are already complaining about the $19 dollar fucking charge…
Like… Oh my god… this dude today… he just stopped me in the parking lot and he is like…
YO… was that girl… who was cutting my hair… was she new….
And I was just like…
I really really wanted to say…
Dude…what the fuck do you expect. You didn’t request anybody… your coming to a… a chain salon… in the middle of a pandemic….when vdnobody wants to work… you think your gonna get fucking Vidal Sassoons barber… honey NO… you gonna get the girl fresh out of beauty school…who IS working and she is really fucking sweet and she needs a lot of training and we are working on it with her…. Like chill fucker… you didn’t go Vidal Sassoon… this is a chain salon… remember… and you didn’t request nobody… yeah, you got the new girl… shut the fuck up…
Like get out of here…
But uh… yeah… I’m getting yelled at… today I got yelled at 3 times…
Theses people… 2 of them were old men….
The first dude…maybe he wasn’t that old…. But… he’s old… umm… this dude walks in…and uh… says uh yeah I got an appointment….
And I’m like… I’m in the middle of a color… I’m blocked out for 2 hours…its definitely not with me… and uh its not with the other girl…she is already working on hers…
so I’m like you know…
A… I don’t see you here… uh…
And he goes oh shit… that was with… you know the other competitor… the other cheaper competitor… you know… shit… I booked it over there… and then he is like I’ll just get it here…
And I was like… ok… well… I’m in the middle of a color… she’s just working on her client… we can take you RIGHT after…
Like that is fucking rare… that’s gold… he should be thanking his lucky star we can get him in next…
And this mother fucker walks out… pissed the fuck off… I don’t know what the fuck he was pissed about…
But that’s… that’s how I start my day… and that’s how I start almost everyday…
And then the next dude who walks in… older…more angry…
{laughs/ fart sound from {for the record} rocks rolling in tub} 😂
So this fucker walks in… I’m like how can I help you?
I’m doing my sweet voice cuz I know theses people are already… mother fucking angry… so I’m just… HI! How can I help you?
You know…
I didn’t say do you have an appointment… {that is the rude way to welcome someone walking into the salon}… I said how can I help you? Theses mother fuckers…. “Uh… yeah I need a fucking HAIRCUT”…
Sooo….. uh… then… I’m like…. Ohhhhh…. Okkkkk…..uh…. We can totally get you in right after this… and so he goes… he sits down… and I said ok… can I have your uh… your name or your phone number… and this guy… he goes off on me now… this dude is pissed…. He goes… Why the fuck does everybody got to know my name and ask for my number…
And I said… sir… if we don’t put you in here… someone is gonna book your appointment online and we don’t want that now do we… so can I get a name… he just gives me his first name… and I get it… I’m like ok I’m not pushing this idiot… I get it… he thinks he’s like… people want his number… like… and his name… but he doesn’t know… nobody fucking wants anything of his…No…we know you got nothing… so… your not that important…
But uh… so I just put his first name in… and I put refused as the last name…no fucking phone number… but um… he’s like… {???}
I’m telling him… oh also… just in case you ever want to know who cut your hair… if you like them and you don’t remember… we can look that up by your name… and also… if you have a certain haircut that you like we put that in there so we know your haircut next time… better service…
So this mother fucker… is just a piece of shit idiot ass hole dick… but he sits down… he actually took the appointment tho…
And then the next and 3rd final person to go off on me today… was uh… this lady… and she has no mask on… ok… cool… but like… the state just updated the mandates that we all are supposed to be wearing a mask and I’m working for a chain salon that has rules and regulations… ok… and she just thinks like… she is going off…
What the fuck {???}… this is such bull shit… and then she goes ahead and uh… another guy comes in with his son…and she is just like…“First they tell us to get vaccinated and now we got to fucking put pur mask back on…
Yes… like no one said a fucking word after she did that little bitch fit… it was crickets…cricket in the salon…so I think she felt… I hope she felt like a fucking idiot… and that bitch did put her mask on and she kept in on the whole time… but mind you I now am working on her daughter… for 2.5 hours I worked on her daughter… the daughter is so happy… smiling… taking pictures….and this fucking bitch mom gave me a $2 tip…
Like…. Fuck… this…
Anyone who wants to go work in a chain salon with cheap ass salon clients in the middle of a pandemic….
Just don’t… people are fucking ass holes… they are impatient… they are rude… they think they are fucking entitled… NO… please save yourself…
I… don’t remember health insurance being…. this… like…. ridiculous…. to sign up for….
But then also….
I never signed up for health insurance…. In my life….
I had my parents health insurance till I was 26 and then they booted me off that shit…
And then I was on the medical, welfare type health shit when I was really… you know… down…. and out and poor…ER…..
So… um…. I… never… I realized had health insurance…. like on my own as an adult….
And now… I’m trying…
Its the year twenty twenty one… and like I just don’t…
I keep thinking I don’t remember it being like this…
But now I’m just curious…. Was it always this fucking bad????
I mean… I went online… and I thought I was gonna like type some stuff in and it was going to show me the boxes with different… um… price points and all the stuff that’s included… That’s what I’m expecting!!!
But no… I go online… I punch some shit in… now the whole world has my email and fucking phone number… and for days my phone has been blowing us with texts and calls and emails… not really maybe only 2 emails…. but like texts and calls… I’ve just been getting blown the fuck up for like a week straight….
{silent confused thoughtful pause}
I don’t think it was like that before… I’m really confused…
I just wanted to see the boxes with the price tag and what I get and what I need…
Why the fuck did I just get this dude messaging me for days?!?!
I finally just said like dude can we just do this through text I don’t want to talk to you… And this mother fucker… Just tells me yeah sure just get my {????}…..
OK… I’ll get you my fucking income in a moment… like tomorrow… I just got off work…
This fool is now texting me like a bad boyfriend… Like can we talk right now???
NO!!! I just got home from fucking work and I got to go sit in the bath and rant about you… um…. No we cannot talk right now…
What the fuck is this… its after… Its almost… Seven!…. I’m like… should be in pajama’s by now… I’m not…
But um… so yeah…
This guy like… I told him… I texted him… I will get you the numbers tomorrow…
This fool is blowing up my phone calls… can we just do it right now?… can we just talk right now?… please?!
Like… I just didn’t even respond…
This fool got smart like five minutes in and got respectful…
Like… You got to train em…
He says OK tell me what time is good for you tomorrow?
Ok finally… so I’m just like ten am… Like I said nothing else… I’ve been ignoring every call this dude has sent me after I said I’ll get you the numbers tomorrow….
I ignored his calls… 2 or 3 of them…. I ignored his texts… I mean finally I just said TEN… not even AM…
Now… I get an email… {???}… well he texts me and tells me to check my email…
Now I got to go to a fucking webinar tomorrow at 10… like what is this!?!?
I’m not trying to buy a timeshare!!!
{Long annoyed pause}
So I’m just like… I…. almost…
I’m so fucking sick of this…
I’m just gonna elect to have no health insurance because I cannot deal with this bull shit!
Like this is harassment and I really don’t think it was ever like this so why the fuck is getting health insurance like this now!?
Why do you got to do like…
Why cant you just see the boxes with the prices and the fucking things you get in it????
My life has been uprooted and every day has been a struggle for me since my brother showed up at 9pm on Saturday July 24th with dried blood on his teeth, a swollen jaw, barely able to open his mouth, with a face and mind I do not recognize. He has been living in a very dark and dangerous world I know nothing about and it breaks my heart.
I am an extremely deep feeling person and have been left alone from the only family I have. I cry every day and have constant headaches from it. I am not able to sleep, I’m full of anxiety and find myself slipping into a deep depression. I am nauseous, hardly able to eat, down 5 pounds in 3 days.
I have not heard from my brother since and I do not know if I ever will. I feel as though his death is coming, if it has not already. I have his dog now, along with my senior medically challenged cat and dog in my 1 bedroom apartment with not much help or support . They get along fine, although cramped. Most tell me to get rid of my brothers dog but this was my dads dog too. My dad who passed away 3 years ago yesterday. This dog is family. This dog is sweet and grieving just like me and I cannot turn my back on him when I know what it feels like. This dog may be the last gift and connection to my brother. I get so lonely and depressed at night and my brothers pit bull is the only one there I can hug that feels almost like a person.
…. “I feel like I’m living on the edge right now because I only have like one podcast scheduled to go out” ….
…. “ . . . They are so old when I listen to those I am like {god damn that’s an annoying b****}” ….
…. “. . . I’m not postings that one, that one is so lame” ….
…. “um… so…….” ….
…. “I thought this is kinda cool actually” ….
…. “It means that my podcast and blog posts and everything with my instagram posts and all that . . . {because it’s happening in the same few days} it’s like in real time” ….
…. “A lot of the old podcasts were like months old, or weeks old and now I’m at couple hours old type shit” ….
…. “So this shit is getting real” ….
…. “Um. . . Sure its nice to have 7 podcasts scheduled for the week but uh. . . It’s hard. . . I’m working a lot and uh. . .yeah. . .” ….
…. “I don’t even want to go into the iPhone 5c and 6 archives. . . Or the iPads. . .um. . ” ….
…. “I ain’t prepared to listen to those, they in the bad parts of life” ….
…. “. . . This is too boring, this is too sad” ….
…. “Not much of those get out” ….
…. “I feel like I’m eventually gonna run out and then I’m going to have. . .I’m gonna miss a day. . .and that’s crazy” ….
…. “I don’t know what happened, I just started this podcast so intuitively and uh . . . With no f****** plan but from day one the plan was, upload one a day and now I’m like shit. . . It’s getting scary” ….
…. “I’m getting scared, if I miss a day I’m gonna feel super disappointed” ….
…. “How hard can it be to upload a rant a day they are like 2 minutes long!? . . . I can do it!. . . I got this!. . .” ….
…. “I’m doing what I do and I like it and uh well see what happens and don’t beat me up if skip a day cuz I get busy. . . K? Thanks! Thanks for listening guys” ….
…. “I was thinking like what am I going to talk about? I don’t know what to talk about” ….
…. “Let’s f****** do story time and let’s start at the beginning” ….
…. “I have a really bad memory. . . We’ll get to that later but. . .” ….
…. “Trying to think of the oldest memory I have of when I was little. . .” ….
…. “. . . And this one is so dumb but we’re starting at the beginning so here goes” ….
…. “Um. . . I was probably about six I think. . . I don’t know” ….
…. “I was young and we were all in the hot tub” ….
…. “. . . Six. . . Ten. . . Whatever. . .” ….
…. “. . . And I peed” …. {shhhh}
…. “I peed in the hot tub, the jacuzzi or whatever” ….
…. “I thought. . . no like I’m six. . . It’s ok. . . it’s ok I have to pee. . . I don’t want to get out. . . Everyone’s going to look at me. . .” ….
…. “My Uncle. . . Whatever ever the guy is. . . My grandma’s brother. . . I’ll call him my uncle cuz I don’t think he is by grandpa. . .he is not my grandpa. . .” ….
…. “Um. . .he. . .uh. . .he was like {WHO PEED IN THE THE JACUZZI}” ….
…. “And I was like . . . Grew up my whole life so f****** mortified. . .” ….
…. “So mortified that ummm. . . That he knew. . . Somebody peed. . . And maybe he could spot my poker face, you know?” ….
…. “At six years old I was like. . .{does he know its me, or do I have a good poker face, I don’t know I’m six! F***!}” ….
…. “NOW. . . As an adult I think about this and I’m like {come on I’m a six year old!?}” ….
…. “How much pee did I have?” ….
…. “Like an ounce of tequila? “ ….
…. “How did this uncle thing know that I peed in the pool and I’m like NO!” ….
…. “I don’t think that’s possible. . .just one six year old. . . But there was probably multiples of us in there” ….
…. “So I think we must of all f****** peed in the jacuzzi so it was concentrated enough to so that my . . . Uncle man knew we peed in the pool” ….
Sami Peculiar 