Drug addict brother

My life has been uprooted and every day has been a struggle for me since my brother showed up at 9pm on Saturday July 24th with dried blood on his teeth, a swollen jaw, barely able to open his mouth, with a face and mind I do not recognize. He has been living in a very dark and dangerous world I know nothing about and it breaks my heart.

I am an extremely deep feeling person and have been left alone from the only family I have. I cry every day and have constant headaches from it. I am not able to sleep, I’m full of anxiety and find myself slipping into a deep depression. I am nauseous, hardly able to eat, down 5 pounds in 3 days.

I have not heard from my brother since and I do not know if I ever will. I feel as though his death is coming, if it has not already. I have his dog now, along with my senior medically challenged cat and dog in my 1 bedroom apartment with not much help or support . They get along fine, although cramped. Most tell me to get rid of my brothers dog but this was my dads dog too. My dad who passed away 3 years ago yesterday. This dog is family. This dog is sweet and grieving just like me and I cannot turn my back on him when I know what it feels like. This dog may be the last gift and connection to my brother. I get so lonely and depressed at night and my brothers pit bull is the only one there I can hug that feels almost like a person.

My depression ate the cookie even though the OCD said NO.

…. “So today my coworker could see that uh, I was pretty down” ….

…. “I was like, I’m out, I’m done” ….

…. “He tried to give me a cookie” ….

…. “If you know me, you know I’m NOT a big fan of even ME, MYSELF, touching my own food” ….

…. “My coworker sees I’m not the person he knows, its scary, I’m fucking dark” ….

…. “All I do is see that he’s holding it with his fingers” ….

…. “I take it just to be polite” ….

…. “Then I’m like god damn it its a f****** white maca chip, what is that? white chocolate macadamia nut, god damn that, that’s my favorite” ….

…. “I’m just like f*** this, I’m so fucking done, I’m so f****** lost and low” ….

…. “I don’t give a f*** about anything” ….

…. “Fuck this!” ….

…. “I’m eating the cookie” ….


…. “F*** this, I’m depressed, I’m low, I’m f****** done, I don’t care” ….

…. “I’m eating the whole f****** cookie” ….

…. “Finger prints and all” ….

…. “Bring it on c***d-19, I don’t give a f***, Might be good for me” ….

No one is screwing me over anymore

…. “I definitely wasn’t always the person who didn’t give a s*** about anything or what people do, say or think about me” ….

…. “I was definitely the opposite of that for the majority of my life” ….

…. “And unfortunately it was like my last {kind of} relationship, if you want to call it that, that uh really made me snap and just say f*** it ” ….

…. “I’m so f****** done!” ….

…. “Because. . .like. . .this m***** f***** like assaulted me and manipulated me” ….

…. “It was so fucking bad and I didn’t even know it till like a few weeks in what the f*** was going on and what had happened actually ” ….

…. “I was so f****** like freaked out and like what the f***?! How did this happen? ” ….

…. “And um, like I’m trying to get rid of this m***** f***** and trying to be nice about it” ….

…. “I realize, like yeah, me being nice and trying not to hurt other people was reallly really f****** me over” ….

…. “And finally I had to tell this m***** f*****, don’t f***** contact me” ….

…. “And it was like weird, it was super hard and strange and it felt good” ….

…. “It felt so f****** good that like I really just snapped into this other side of it where I’m like f*** that feels good to just not give a f***” ….

 …. “I’m not taking care of your feelings anymore its time to take care of my feeling” ….

…. “I’m still a good person. . . . But. . . No one is f****** me over anymore” ….

Sex, drugs, and orgasms

…. “I used to be on anti-anxiety medicine.. . “ ….

…. “I was a little emo, angsty kid and uh, {laughs}” ….

…. “I like scraped. . .  You know I wouldn’t call it cutting” ….

…. “I wrote some freakin note and put a little blood on it so that like my mom could think I was serious {laughs}” ….

…. “I was just being a dramatic little b****” ….

…. “So of course my mom takes me to some doctor and was like {she’s broken put some pills in her}” ….

…. “So I started on Prozac really early” ….

…. “You know what. . . I’ve been on the works of pills” ….

…. “In 2016 I was like . . . F*** meat, F*** dairy, F*** psychiatrists and all that shit” ….

…. “In 2018 the vegan diet was f***** me up, I was like slowly dying” ….

…. “My mental health was bad. . . I’d say even schizophrenic at times, full of anxiety and so much physical pain.” ….

…. “I was just so sick” ….

…. “Got back on medication for the anxieties and stuff” …. 

…. “2019 the beginning I started eating meat again. . . ” ….

…. “THATS NOT MY F****** STORY, lets get back on track” ….

…. “Anyways I was on a lot of medications” …

…. “I think I’ve been off all medications for a good couple months now. . . At least 6 months” ….

…. “I’ve gone off medication maybe 3 times total” ….

…. “I always thought like maybe I have that sexual dysfunction cuz I can’t really orgasm that easy” ….

…. “I thought getting off medication would help” ….

…. “It’s still so hard” ….

…. “I realize I think that {laughs}” ….

…. “I think its just that I’ve had really bad experiences” ….

…. “So I think its that” ….

…. “It’s not the medication and the drugs” ….

…. “It’s the bad experiences that make is so I can’t have an orgasm easily” ….

…. “I can, it just takes a lot of work by myself, I don’t f****** trust nobody like that anymore because of my bad experiences” ….

…. “People talk about sex like {oh yeah that sex was good, we were f***** screaming and rocking and the bed broke and this and that}” ….

…. “I’m like what!? . . .That sounds like really uh-emotional, uh-personal. . . That seems very like. . . I DON’T KNOW . . .” ….

…. “You guys didn’t even know each other’s names!? That’s not good” ….

…. “So um. . . I don’t want that! I’m not going to get an orgasm from that” ….

…. “What? Cuz you can eat good pussy?” ….

…. “I can’t! No! I got to be so in love with you that can just blow on it and I will have an orgasm because I’m that in love with you” …. 

…. “That’s the problem, I ain’t getting close to no body to love them” ….

…. “So that’s why I can’t have an orgasm I guess” ….

…. “Does that make sense to you?” ….

…. “It’s eye opening to me” ….

…. “But I don’t know if like, you know. . .” ….

…. “When my sentences come out, I’m my head they are like Mozart music but when it comes out its like Picassos f****** pictures” ….

…. “The whole reason I brought up the whole sex talk orgasm shit was mostly cuz I wanted to say one thing that i thought i thought was funny and I don’t think i said it!? Did I? Do you know if I said it?” …. 

…. “It was that um {laughs} mother f***** I FORGOT!” ….

…. “So when I’m trying to have an orgasm. . . What I do is pretend I am madly in love with this person” ….

…. “. . .the kissing and the cuddling and looking into each other’s eyes, just going really slow and becoming one is what helps me have and orgasm” ….

…. “Not that rough and ready, quick and mother f***** I don’t know what” ….

…. “That’s just NO, porn shit NO” ….

I regret almost all the people I’ve slept with

…. “I’ve had a lot of bad sexual experiences in my life and you can pretty much start at the beginning” ….

…. “Let’s say like junior high school days already off to a bad bad start” ….

…. “Let’s just say I don’t remember anyone teaching me about the birds and the bees or about self worth or self esteem or like none of that!” ….

…. “I was just trying to think, out of the people I’ve slept with, um sadly I think its more than a few” ….

…. “But what is everyone else’s few?!” ….

…. “There’s not very many that I’ve slept with that I can be like {I’m really happy I slept with that person} and like that’s bad!” ….

…. “That is sooo bad” ….

 …. “Sex is supposed to be a very intimate thing” ….

…. “I don’t just let nobody f****** in my intimate zone” ….

…. “But I mean. . .  I did . . . but like . .  . I didn’t know this” ….

…. “How many of theses guys? {and we said it was sadly more than a few} how many of them do I really NOT regret having sex with?” …. 

…. “At the moment can only think of like 1 *maybe, kinda, sorta*” …. 

…. “It’s blowing my mind that it is so close to zero out of the “few you know more than a few” guys I’ve slept with and that’s really fucked up” …. 

…. “That’s why I’m fucked up” ….

…. “Like I’ve become this person who really is like craving that intimacy but like just having sex with someone isn’t how I get thate intimacy. . . . . . . . . . . I’ve just realized” ….

…. “Like everyone of those fucking dudes that I regret having sex with which is majority, umm, did I get that intimacy” ….

…. “Like noooo” …. {laughs}

…. “I just ended up. . . like. . . got invaded. . . like no. . . they just invaded me. . . like I wasn’t f****** ready. . . I didn’t know who they are, were, is!” …. 

…. “But I didn’t know so much back then. . . I was so young” ….

…. “I just wanted love. . . I just wanted attention . . . I wanted affection. . . and um that’s how I didn’t get it” …. {laughs}

…. “But I thought I was gonna get it that way” …. 

…. “It didn’t work very well” …. 

Shut up anxiety

October 3rd 2020

The more you know yourself the less anxiety you have

Because when you start getting anxiety

You learn to tell your self

“Shut the fuck up bitch, girl you are not dying, NO you do NOT need to go to the hospital, you just had too much caffeine! You are NOT dying, chill the fuck out….. Go sit in a corner and breath”

It’s the shit that fucks you up in life that makes you beautiful

October 5th 2020

Its the shit that fucks you up in life that makes you beautiful

I look at my cat and think she has the cutest little walk

And then I realize

Its because she limps because of the shit she went through in life

Because for the first year of her life she was living at a hoarders house where she was scared to move from this one area of the cluttered house so she developed muscular atrophy

Then in the beginning of this year she was diagnosed with some type of plaque psoriasis like disease that mostly affects her legs with scabs which she licks till they become infected. We had to biopsy one leg to get a true diagnosis and after that she added an extra limp to her already unusual walk

Then I thought she looks so cute in her cone

Because when she is in her cone she likes to put one ear down and also does this weird paw move to try to get the cone off that reminds me of one of those Asian lucky fortune cat figurines that the paw moves

When she wears the cone she becomes another cat

She becomes so sweet and yet so needy at the same time

She insists on sleeping under the covers with me its super adorable yet do you know how hard it is to get a good nights sleep when you are sleeping with a dirty ass lamp shade

That cone is everywhere from touching the cat litter to her throwing up on it and dragging on the floor etc.

So all this makes her so damn cute yet I recognize its all the tough shit she has been through that had made her cuter and made me love her more

Even her whiskers are cute because her having the cone made them all ratchet and going every which way

Oils & Rocks

“I bought every crystal…

every aromatherapy essential oil…

Tarot cards…


….trying to clear my bad juju.

I don’t think it’s working…

If it is working!?…


If this is the best damn outcome because my life was that fucking shitty and all of those oils and rocks actually helped and then this is the fucking holy grail here…

….then damn I don’t even know what to say, but damn; “