Used to call myself a slut

I used to call myself a slut. I can see how wrong that phrase is now. I was a young girl who wanted real, true, love. I wanted that fairy tale love. Unfortunately, I was blessed with the looks of a slutty librarian and from my point of view; slutty librarians attract the worst kind of guys. 

Growing up I didn’t have parents who were very “active” in my life. They worked their asses off to make sure we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. But, at the end of the day they were worn out and looking for their own salvation. We all have our own demons and traumas, we all want the same things in life but in different packages. 

I wasn’t exactly taught what self respect was, or how to tell the good guys from the bad. I didn’t know that most if not all guys think with their dicks and will do whatever for them. I still have yet to meet one who actually wants to get to know ME versus desperately rushing to get to know my body. 

I’m turning 36 in 2 months and I can honestly say I’ve never had good sex. I’m too fucked up in the head to enjoy it now. I’ve been sexually used and abused since the beginning of my adolescence. I was desperate to please, eager to be what people wanted me to be. I have had too many questionable experiences to count. 

Its only taken me 36 years to finally say “What about me?”. Where are the guys lined up to please me? And I’m not talking sexually. I find no pleasure in a stranger who knows nothing about me, who has no true feelings for me other than trying to find my clit and touching me too hard for their own pleasure and my own personal pain. 

Nobody taught me that sex and love are two very different things. I Think many will  never learn that but I’ve always been very good at spotting patterns. The problem is sometimes the pattern has to repeat itself far too many times before I can spot it. The damage is done and it’s quite extensive in this instance. 

I have finally stopped the pattern but I fear there is no hope for me now. I’m grown sick and tired of guys hitting on me. All I see is them wanting a piece of me, a taste of me for their own indulgence. They don’t have the slightest clue who I am, who I was, who I want to be, yet they want me and they have no desire to get to know me, only my body. I’m instantly turned off by any man that hits on me. I can’t help but see them as dogs. It’s like they think if they have a nice dick or a big house then I should be hot and bothered for them. 

I want more, 

I fear I want something that doesn’t exist,

Something I’m not capable of at this point;

Money cant buy happiness

So I learned this week that money doesn’t buy happiness…

I quit my job… then they fired me…

I’m trying to do the hustle and the grind on the side and nothings… you know… taking off like immediately… who would have fucking known!!?… like I’m just impatient….

All I keep thinking is I went from making “this” a day and now I’m only making “sometimes this”…

But like also… in one fucking day… I made the most money I ever made…. I made enough to pay my rent next month… Like next week… I made enough to pay my rent next week….

Yet here I am… depressed….and thinking about how I’m not making what i’m used to making every day… And I’m not putting in the hours that i’m used to putting in every week…

But I already in one day just made… alot…. and its just like this weird mind fuck…

Like this has only been not even a week of being out on my own….

So I don’t know what the months going to look like… I’m starting to see though that I cant look at this per day… per hour…. It’s not gonna be like that… I have to compare month to month…

Im gonna try that out… I’m gonna try to be positive…

And I just need to remember to look at the wins not the losses… cuz the wins are great…

And I also think a lot about how people who win the lottery… It only comes to the people who are…. I don’t know…. I guess they expect it… They feel like they deserve it… they know what they are gonna do with it…

And I keep thinking…. If I….

You know, I listen to Abraham hicks and spiritual shit… And you got to believe in yourself and these things before they can come to you basically…

And so I keep thinking like… do I believe that I should win the lottery or be like really really really rich?…I keep thinking like what would my day look like what would I do… And I think about it and I’d probably still be lost and depressed and still have no fucking purpose and reason to live…

So maybe thats why I cant win the lottery…

But I do believe in myself enough to know that I can make it to next month so thats why… 2 days ago I won my own personal lottery where I can pay my rent next month….

I guess thats how life works…

So now I just gotta keep working on what would I do with a million dollars…

What would I do if I was rich….

Like I need to be prepared…

Cuz that shit ain’t gonna come to you if you aren’t prepared for it or if it somehow does fucking come to you its gonna knock you on your ass and your gonna be homeless and I don’t know… its gonna be bad…

So if you guys want to be rich…. if you want to win the lottery… prepare for it… Figure out what your day would be like… what would you do…

Cuz I don’t want to just win the lottery and be laying in bed all day cuz I’m depressed… And I think thats what I would do if I won the lottery right now.

So that’s why I cannot win the lottery right now…

I got to bust my butt off and enjoy this fucking struggle and just make it work cuz I guess that’s more fun…

You don’t know what lonely is

I’ve been alone for so long, it’s just like normal to me

And I think it’s funny when I hear people or see people that just like don’t know how to be alone or they are just so codependent its sad

Like those people…

I just feel like becoming Robin William’s in Jumanji

You know, when he comes out of the jungle and is like ”what year is this?”

I wanna be like “You don’t know lonely bitch”

Like I’m over here, sitting in my fucking room looking at a poster with a bunch of fucking eyes looking at me

I’m that fucking lonely… have YOU been that lonely!? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO

So don’t come at me with this I’m lonely shit, you know… go fucking cry to your best friends and you know you got like 5 of em


You ain’t lonely, you just a loser…. NO that’s fucked up

I don’t meant that end part, I just didn’t know what else to say… ok….

But I’m just saying

You ain’t fucking lonely

You don’t even fucking know what lonely is

Remember… picture me as Robin Williams coming out of the jungle in Jumaji saying

You don’t fucking know what lonely is bitch

Just think of me and you’ll feel better

Older Men

So my uh… 20 year old… cute little co-worker…

She was telling me how this one client was flirting with her and he’s older

And I was like wait? what’s older? she says “like 38”

I’m like oh… that’s just like… my age

But I’m like also thinking like

“NO bitch they don’t get better with age, they get more fucked up with age”

They are so fucking damaged

Don’t go older bitch, you need to go younger, you need to get em like… locked up… like right out of the womb you know and you need to train em and um make sure they don’t get too fucked up

But by the time they get back up here in this age, in the thirties, they already fucked up

They are NOT better

Drug addict brother

My life has been uprooted and every day has been a struggle for me since my brother showed up at 9pm on Saturday July 24th with dried blood on his teeth, a swollen jaw, barely able to open his mouth, with a face and mind I do not recognize. He has been living in a very dark and dangerous world I know nothing about and it breaks my heart.

I am an extremely deep feeling person and have been left alone from the only family I have. I cry every day and have constant headaches from it. I am not able to sleep, I’m full of anxiety and find myself slipping into a deep depression. I am nauseous, hardly able to eat, down 5 pounds in 3 days.

I have not heard from my brother since and I do not know if I ever will. I feel as though his death is coming, if it has not already. I have his dog now, along with my senior medically challenged cat and dog in my 1 bedroom apartment with not much help or support . They get along fine, although cramped. Most tell me to get rid of my brothers dog but this was my dads dog too. My dad who passed away 3 years ago yesterday. This dog is family. This dog is sweet and grieving just like me and I cannot turn my back on him when I know what it feels like. This dog may be the last gift and connection to my brother. I get so lonely and depressed at night and my brothers pit bull is the only one there I can hug that feels almost like a person.

Thanks for listening guys

…. “I feel like I’m living on the edge right now because I only have like one podcast scheduled to go out” ….

…. “ . . . They are so old when I listen to those I am like {god damn that’s an annoying b****}” ….

…. “. . .  I’m not postings that one, that one is so lame” ….

…. “um… so…….” ….

…. “I thought this is kinda cool actually” ….

…. “It means that my podcast and blog posts and everything with my instagram posts and all that . . . {because it’s happening in the same few days} it’s  like in real time” ….

…. “A lot of the old podcasts were like months old, or weeks old and now I’m at couple hours old type shit” ….

…. “So this shit is getting real” …. 

…. “Um. . . Sure its nice to have 7 podcasts scheduled for the week but uh. . . It’s hard. . . I’m working a lot and uh. . .yeah. . .” ….

…. “I don’t even want to go into the iPhone 5c and 6 archives. . . Or the iPads. . .um. .  ” ….

…. “I ain’t prepared to listen to those, they in the bad parts of life” ….

…. “. . . This is too boring, this is too sad” ….

…. “Not much of those get out” ….

…. “I feel like I’m eventually gonna run out and then I’m going to have. . .I’m gonna miss a day. . .and that’s crazy” ….

…. “I don’t know what happened, I just started this podcast so intuitively and uh . . . With no f****** plan but from day one the plan was, upload one a day and now I’m like shit. . . It’s getting scary” ….

…. “I’m getting scared, if I miss a day I’m gonna feel super disappointed” ….

…. “How hard can it be to upload a rant a day they are like 2 minutes long!? . . .  I can do it!. . .  I got this!. . .” ….

…. “I’m doing what I do and I like it and uh well see what happens and don’t beat me up if skip a day cuz I get busy. . . K? Thanks! Thanks for listening guys” ….

Getting high is like playing luminosity

October 1st 2020

Getting high is like playing Luminosity

That brain game app

That’s why I smoke weed

I am exercising my brain

It just takes me to this different level of consciousness and creativity

That’s why I like to smoke every day…


Maybe this Luminosity game is actually eating my brain cells

I dont know

I think I am gaining some and eating some

Its all about balance

Check out my podcast | Sami Rants

Hey guys check out my podcast called Sami Rants where most podcasts are spewed.

Fall so hard in love with me

11/7/2020 part 1
11/7/2020 part 2

{PART 1}

I want someone to….

….fall in love with me so fucking hard….

*BEFORE* they sleep with me….

….BEFORE they even had their fucking first kiss with me

Because if you haven’t fallen in love with me so fucking hard….

*BEFORE* you kiss me….

You don’t deserve to kiss me…


And also…. {Ramble, ramble, ramble, listen to the audio}

{PART 2}

I want you to fall in love with me so fucking hard…

*BEFORE* we have sex…

…So I know you love me for not just the sex…


I need you to love me for the non sexual reasons…

…and that way I know…

….that you will never try to sleep with somebody else…

…because you’re so in love with all the other shit about me…

…I need you to be aware of the non sexual things….

If that makes any sense….

So when you look at these other girls…

….and they’re hotter than me…

….you’re gonna be like….. NO!!!

“But Sams got {THIS} and {THAT} and no ones got that and I fell in love with {THAT}….”

Thats when….


….. I’ll fall in love you…

Covid Photos

October 5th 2020

In the future looking back at photos from 2020 are going to be funny

Our grand children are going to be like

“Grandpa, what’s on grandma’s face? Right under her chin? That cloth diaper looking thing”

We will be like

“Oh honey that was 2020, that’s the Covid era, we don’t talk about that time, that was a bad time”