My life has been uprooted and every day has been a struggle for me since my brother showed up at 9pm on Saturday July 24th with dried blood on his teeth, a swollen jaw, barely able to open his mouth, with a face and mind I do not recognize. He has been living in a very dark and dangerous world I know nothing about and it breaks my heart.
I am an extremely deep feeling person and have been left alone from the only family I have. I cry every day and have constant headaches from it. I am not able to sleep, I’m full of anxiety and find myself slipping into a deep depression. I am nauseous, hardly able to eat, down 5 pounds in 3 days.
I have not heard from my brother since and I do not know if I ever will. I feel as though his death is coming, if it has not already. I have his dog now, along with my senior medically challenged cat and dog in my 1 bedroom apartment with not much help or support . They get along fine, although cramped. Most tell me to get rid of my brothers dog but this was my dads dog too. My dad who passed away 3 years ago yesterday. This dog is family. This dog is sweet and grieving just like me and I cannot turn my back on him when I know what it feels like. This dog may be the last gift and connection to my brother. I get so lonely and depressed at night and my brothers pit bull is the only one there I can hug that feels almost like a person.
I was like what makeup should I do? What hair should I do?
And I was like what the fuck
It’s my day off
And why do I even have to do my hair or make up
So I just put it in this messy ass bun since I don’t need my hair looking great
I really wish I could just take my hair off, have a shaved head or something
But I don’t so I put it in a bun on the top of my head and I get all the hair off my neck and shoulders so it at least feels like I don’t have any hair
Except it feels like something is squeezing my head which is really annoying but I guess its the price I pay for not shaving my head
Anyway I put my hair in a weird ass bun and I have my crooked ass reject glasses on, No make up on and thought…
. . . should I at least put some mascara on?
. . . don’t I need like something?
Then I was like bitch
If I can fucking see at Trader Joes
A old ass man in a faded fucking rainbow tutu with a dirty wife beater pulling his luggage around waving like he is Marilyn Monroe
There is a lady out in the world right now who is very pissed at me for criticizing her cam-girl room decorating abilities
Let me rewind a little bit and give you an introduction into how this all came about
…
I believe in not saying bad things about yourself so as not to cement that shit in let me just tell the universe right now….. “please don’t really make me a broke ass bitch”
But like, maybe I am a broke ass bitch
…
I was a hairstylist for 8+ years and when I moved states and lost all my clients
I became a hairstylist with no clients to pay the bills
So basically I am a failed hairstylist, running out of money, 33 years old, no boyfriend or husband……. or sugar daddy
I have zero money coming in
…
All I want is like a mediocre fucking life which is like being rich to me
I just want to have a Spotify account where I can skip as many times as I want and not have to listen to commercials
Like that is rich to me!…. I want to be that rich
I just want to be able to live alone and not have messy ass roommates
I want to be able to walk around naked because I hate the feel of clothes
I want to be that rich….
So basically like middle class mediocre rich and I am not doing so good at that
I’m more like high schooler rich but with no parents taking care of me
So that’s not good…. I’m actually worse off than a high schooler
So…. uh…. yeah…..
I was desperate and decided that I should… Since I have no other skills and I am failing at doing hair because I have no clients and no jobs want to hire someone who has been a self employed hairstylists for 8+ years with no other expierence (in their eyes) And the ones that will hire me wont pay the money I need to be mediocre rich and live alone in a shitty apartment….
….so I thought… why not try porn . . . . .
But, I don’t want to let just any douche bags in me or like ass holes or pricks.
But thought maybe…. I can make some money doing cam girl shit
After brief and shitty research I was under the impression I would be able to make like five hundred a day and have sooo many followers in no time
Like right out the gate
…
I thought about it, I tried it and ugh….
I made thirty five dollars or something and did like 5 hours total
So that sucked….
I can twiddle my twat alone if I am not getting money for it
I could be doing other things that I want to do
But there I was trying to make money but got only the free loaders
Those few hours I put in already got me burnt out
That was 5 hours of my life and I thought I was going to make like a hundred dollars an hour
I felt like I should have had like five hundred dollars by then even though I knew it was going to take time to build a paying audience
…
The real thing that turned me off to it was
….this uh…
This mother fucker, fucking scammed me
I’m an idiot!
This mother fucker was in my cam room and man, I should have know better….
. . . . he messaged me on my twitter…. he messaged me on my instagram…. AND on my mother fucking email…
Asking how much for a 30 minute skype show
Then while I was live on my cam site he messaged me on Instagram again!!!
He couldn’t even message me on my cam site chat because he obviously had no tokens to message me and I had it set to only people with the tokens {money to spend} can message me…. I don’t want to talk to free loaders
I should have known right then and there when this mother fucker is messaging me on Instagram and all the other place EXCEPT the live cam room…
… but I am dumb
So he was going thru my amazon Wishlist and said he was going to buy the $200 hard drive I needed/ wanted for my photography
He was DMing me on Instagram this while I was live
I was like damn….. yeah…. ChaChing!$!$!$!
Sure i’ll do two, thirty minute private skype sessions for that
I told the mother fucker to wait till I was done with my live, with my 3 fans who never tipped me
He then had the audacity to say “its not like your making any money”…. {that piece of shit}
But I was also like “he’s right, fuck it lets get a two hundred dollar hard drive”
So he took me away from my cam show where I might have made three cents or something
But this bitch, this fucking ass hole, piece of shit, mother fucker, scum bag, douche bag, prick got me on a mother fucking skype cuz I got all turnt up for the hard drive and I did a thirty minute with him and I did another 30 minute with him the next day
But he was scamming me!!!!
…
I don’t even want to go into all the details
That’s a story of its own, it is depressing but its fucking gold and it could help people and maybe give me some money too and you know I am a broke ass bitch {universe cover your ears}
But…. yeah…. so any way that was my first attempt at cam girl-ing
I continue to work at my shitty ass part time retail job {universe don’t hear that either}
…
So shits getting real again. I got a month to figure out that I can’t live in the apartment that I’m living alone in and I need to get a roommate and blah blah blah and my jobs a piece of shit because I can’t even afford to live in the apartment that I’m living in…..
. . . . . . yada yada yada
So I hit the job boards and I see this cam girl shit again!
But this time it’s a fucking craigslist ad and claims it’s the #1 cam studio in the area
So I was like “wow!” maybe they got viewers and better traffic and algorithms and what not
So I messaged them and they were quick to get back to me
I go to check out this studio to be like a professional cam girl with the studio feeding me the viewers etc.
I get there and its a sketchy part of town the building is unmarked
I thought I was going to get inside and it was going to be like men in black. Like covert on the outside and beautiful on the inside. Because the craigslist ad said #1 cam studio
So… I walk in and this shit is dark and just broke fucking down in there
The girl I have the meeting/ interview with, she is just real odd
Bitch just like straight up starts signing me up for their site, sight unseen and my dumb ass went with it cuz she was freaky and clearly special needs and I didn’t want to be mean to the special needs person
She was older, it was hard to tell how old cuz her personality was like that of a 12 year old
Yet again that’s another story for another time….
…
This story is about how I pissed this lady off
She show me 2 rooms after filling out paperwork and one room isn’t even private its got a curtain so anyone going to the next room is going to see and hear my fake moaning
The rooms looks like meth head rooms. They are nasty as fuck and she is sadly so proud of them because she decorated them herself
They looked like dirty ass, fucking dingy, dark preteen rooms….
. . . eew …. I don’t want……. that’s not my fucking look
I’m like a modern classy harlot type
So I leave the place and she keeps texting me about my pending account etc.
I, in the nicest way tell her that the 2 rooms I saw were not my style and wanted to see pics of the other rooms, that I want a more modern, minimalistic and bright room
And she is sooooo offended and goes off on me
I tried to be super nice and actually even offered to help spruce the rooms up
I clearly struck a nerve with her
She quickly replied showing how un-fit she is to be an adult or a professional
You wouldn’t know because I do ok being extroverted and making shit about them and not my tired ass
…
I’m a self centered introvert so therefor I like attention on myself
I really love having conversations with people when its about me
Because of the introversion but maybe that’s perversion?
I don’t know….
But yeah
It is 7:46 pm on a Saturday night in Las Vegas
And I’m listening to Celtic Women alone
I’m fucking cool guys
{ramble}…. (listen to the recording above)
Also I want to be a stand up fuckin comedy-ian…. comedeein, comed-ian….. there we go…
I’m so introverted, I’m so alone all the time yet when I’m at work its about them, “What do you want? How can I serve you…”
{ramble….}
I work my fuckin ass off
So here on a Friday nigh before 8pm in my pjs, showered, no makeup, hair looking like a 5 year old with her little side braid, with my Celtic Women, high, cracked out on caffeine
But yeah I’m so introverted and tired of playing extrovert all day
I have to talk to myself because not alot of people want to talk to me about me
Its always about them and I fucking hate that and that’s probably why I just want to be alone
But I got these jokes, I go these rhymes, I got theses fucking verses