I regret almost all the people I’ve slept with

…. “I’ve had a lot of bad sexual experiences in my life and you can pretty much start at the beginning” ….

…. “Let’s say like junior high school days already off to a bad bad start” ….

…. “Let’s just say I don’t remember anyone teaching me about the birds and the bees or about self worth or self esteem or like none of that!” ….

…. “I was just trying to think, out of the people I’ve slept with, um sadly I think its more than a few” ….

…. “But what is everyone else’s few?!” ….

…. “There’s not very many that I’ve slept with that I can be like {I’m really happy I slept with that person} and like that’s bad!” ….

…. “That is sooo bad” ….

 …. “Sex is supposed to be a very intimate thing” ….

…. “I don’t just let nobody f****** in my intimate zone” ….

…. “But I mean. . .  I did . . . but like . .  . I didn’t know this” ….

…. “How many of theses guys? {and we said it was sadly more than a few} how many of them do I really NOT regret having sex with?” …. 

…. “At the moment can only think of like 1 *maybe, kinda, sorta*” …. 

…. “It’s blowing my mind that it is so close to zero out of the “few you know more than a few” guys I’ve slept with and that’s really fucked up” …. 

…. “That’s why I’m fucked up” ….

…. “Like I’ve become this person who really is like craving that intimacy but like just having sex with someone isn’t how I get thate intimacy. . . . . . . . . . . I’ve just realized” ….

…. “Like everyone of those fucking dudes that I regret having sex with which is majority, umm, did I get that intimacy” ….

…. “Like noooo” …. {laughs}

…. “I just ended up. . . like. . . got invaded. . . like no. . . they just invaded me. . . like I wasn’t f****** ready. . . I didn’t know who they are, were, is!” …. 

…. “But I didn’t know so much back then. . . I was so young” ….

…. “I just wanted love. . . I just wanted attention . . . I wanted affection. . . and um that’s how I didn’t get it” …. {laughs}

…. “But I thought I was gonna get it that way” …. 

…. “It didn’t work very well” …. 

Getting high is like playing luminosity

October 1st 2020

Getting high is like playing Luminosity

That brain game app

That’s why I smoke weed

I am exercising my brain

It just takes me to this different level of consciousness and creativity

That’s why I like to smoke every day…

….rant….

Maybe this Luminosity game is actually eating my brain cells

I dont know

I think I am gaining some and eating some

Its all about balance

I’m good at being ghosted

…. “I am like the best person for somebody to ghost” ….

…. “I run the other way…. I don’t run to the god damn ghost” ….

…. “I’m not gonna fight for your attention” ….

…. “I was trying to pull this s*** out of this m***** f*****” ….

…. “I need to feel like you want to be a part of my life” ….

…. “I don’t want to play that game…. mmmm mm” ….

…. “I’m like peace m***** f*****! I’M OUT” ….

Most stable mentally unstable person

…. “{laughs}” ….

…. “If you think I’m crazy, I get it” ….

…. “The thing is I was normal, I was uptight, life sucked for me just like t sucks for you” …..

…. “It sucked so f****** bad I wanted to die, It was so painful I wanted to die” ….

…. “It broke me” ….

…. “I had to glue myself back together and I had a little fun gluing myself back so you know what I like this version of me better” ….

…. “The Picasso me” ….

…. “F*** society and that old version of me. F*** that one” …. 

Antiquing my tattoo

…. “Got a new tattoo. . . I’m definitely, probably not taking care of it right” ….

…. “f*** I can’t just like leave this bath water sitting on my tattoo” ….

…. “How do I care for this but also I’m gonna stay in this m***** f****** bath” ….

…. “. . . It look like made with chalk and its just gonna wash off” ….

…. “Rough around the edges or something, like me” ….

…. “If this shit f***** heals and scabs and the ink doesn’t stay some in some spots cuz I was bad . . . You know what. . . I don’t care” ….

…. “like, that’s like I just antiqued my tattoo” ….

…. “I’m just patina-ing my tattoo” ….

…. “I might like it better” …. 

Insomnia

…. “I don’t get why I have insomnia because I’m up before everyone else I know. . . but I’m also the last one to go to bed” ….

…. “I don’t know, I’ve been doing fine, but I keep trying for 8 hours and I never get it” ….

…. “I barely sleep 6 hours straight, I’m so light sleeper-y” ….

…. “You took a long a** bath, you should be like ready to go to sleep like a f****** baby” ….

…. “I still can’t f****** sleep” ….

…. “So much thinking, its like building up inside my head. . . And now i have all this f***** energy because I don’t know. . . ” ….

…. “. . .f****** energetic thoughts of things and ideas, philosophies . . .{I sound like a crack head}” ….

“It sucks that I now am just so lonely and wound up that I have to talk to a phone [recorder]” ….

…. “I just want to sleep though, I almost take Benadryl every night. . . It’s so bad but it doesn’t even help, mostly, I think, I don’t know. . .” ….

…. “So that’s my rant on my insomnia. . . Kinda down but with like an energy that’s up because I feel cracked out. . . {it’s that f****** matcha latte that i had too late in the day. . . and . . . I’m high}” ….

Why do I want to be a comedian?

…. “I liked it. I liked the comedy of it, the sad dark humor of it and I think that’s probably cuz I have this sad dark humor” ….

…. “Where the f*** ever did think I want to be a stand up comedian?” ….

…. “I never was the person that was in the theater program who liked improve acting, I’m not that person” ….

…. “Why do I do what I do?” …. 

…. “Obviously not making money type thing” ….

…. “I just do it cuz its a way to fill my time and uh, be creative” ….

…. “I have not many people to talk to cuz I live alone and I’m a introverted type person” ….

…. “I don’t like this small talk shit” ….

…. “I don’t know what I was talking about actually” {laughs} ….

Honor Your Pain

3/5/2021 

…. “So uh, I just had this thought that uh, where ever it hurts is uh. . .  F*** I’m high!” ….

…. “Where ever it hurts you need to honor that, you need to thank it, don’t be mad, don’t be ashamed that it hurts” ….

…. “F****** honor it!” ….

…. “Like my ankles f****** hurt right now {laughs} from standing all day at work ok!? And um, they f****** hurt” ….

…. “But I’m like you know what. . .  I thank you f***** ankles for standing all day at work” ….

…. “Thank you” ….

…. “But yes, honor your pain, if it is a f***** broken heart . . .you know what, be like that’s understandable and now your stronger, your good” ….

…. “Like love that part about it” …. 

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