Tag: depression

Money cant buy happiness

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So I learned this week that money doesn’t buy happiness…

I quit my job… then they fired me…

I’m trying to do the hustle and the grind on the side and nothings… you know… taking off like immediately… who would have fucking known!!?… like I’m just impatient….

All I keep thinking is I went from making “this” a day and now I’m only making “sometimes this”…

But like also… in one fucking day… I made the most money I ever made…. I made enough to pay my rent next month… Like next week… I made enough to pay my rent next week….

Yet here I am… depressed….and thinking about how I’m not making what i’m used to making every day… And I’m not putting in the hours that i’m used to putting in every week…

But I already in one day just made… alot…. and its just like this weird mind fuck…

Like this has only been not even a week of being out on my own….

So I don’t know what the months going to look like… I’m starting to see though that I cant look at this per day… per hour…. It’s not gonna be like that… I have to compare month to month…

Im gonna try that out… I’m gonna try to be positive…

And I just need to remember to look at the wins not the losses… cuz the wins are great…

And I also think a lot about how people who win the lottery… It only comes to the people who are…. I don’t know…. I guess they expect it… They feel like they deserve it… they know what they are gonna do with it…

And I keep thinking…. If I….

You know, I listen to Abraham hicks and spiritual shit… And you got to believe in yourself and these things before they can come to you basically…

And so I keep thinking like… do I believe that I should win the lottery or be like really really really rich?…I keep thinking like what would my day look like what would I do… And I think about it and I’d probably still be lost and depressed and still have no fucking purpose and reason to live…

So maybe thats why I cant win the lottery…

But I do believe in myself enough to know that I can make it to next month so thats why… 2 days ago I won my own personal lottery where I can pay my rent next month….

I guess thats how life works…

So now I just gotta keep working on what would I do with a million dollars…

What would I do if I was rich….

Like I need to be prepared…

Cuz that shit ain’t gonna come to you if you aren’t prepared for it or if it somehow does fucking come to you its gonna knock you on your ass and your gonna be homeless and I don’t know… its gonna be bad…

So if you guys want to be rich…. if you want to win the lottery… prepare for it… Figure out what your day would be like… what would you do…

Cuz I don’t want to just win the lottery and be laying in bed all day cuz I’m depressed… And I think thats what I would do if I won the lottery right now.

So that’s why I cannot win the lottery right now…

I got to bust my butt off and enjoy this fucking struggle and just make it work cuz I guess that’s more fun…

Drug addict brother

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My life has been uprooted and every day has been a struggle for me since my brother showed up at 9pm on Saturday July 24th with dried blood on his teeth, a swollen jaw, barely able to open his mouth, with a face and mind I do not recognize. He has been living in a very dark and dangerous world I know nothing about and it breaks my heart.


I am an extremely deep feeling person and have been left alone from the only family I have. I cry every day and have constant headaches from it. I am not able to sleep, I’m full of anxiety and find myself slipping into a deep depression. I am nauseous, hardly able to eat, down 5 pounds in 3 days.


I have not heard from my brother since and I do not know if I ever will. I feel as though his death is coming, if it has not already. I have his dog now, along with my senior medically challenged cat and dog in my 1 bedroom apartment with not much help or support . They get along fine, although cramped. Most tell me to get rid of my brothers dog but this was my dads dog too. My dad who passed away 3 years ago yesterday. This dog is family. This dog is sweet and grieving just like me and I cannot turn my back on him when I know what it feels like. This dog may be the last gift and connection to my brother. I get so lonely and depressed at night and my brothers pit bull is the only one there I can hug that feels almost like a person.

My depression ate the cookie even though the OCD said NO.

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…. “So today my coworker could see that uh, I was pretty down” ….

…. “I was like, I’m out, I’m done” ….

…. “He tried to give me a cookie” ….

…. “If you know me, you know I’m NOT a big fan of even ME, MYSELF, touching my own food” ….

…. “My coworker sees I’m not the person he knows, its scary, I’m fucking dark” ….

…. “All I do is see that he’s holding it with his fingers” ….

…. “I take it just to be polite” ….

…. “Then I’m like god damn it its a f****** white maca chip, what is that? white chocolate macadamia nut, god damn that, that’s my favorite” ….

…. “I’m just like f*** this, I’m so fucking done, I’m so f****** lost and low” ….

…. “I don’t give a f*** about anything” ….

…. “Fuck this!” ….

…. “I’m eating the cookie” ….

{RAMBLE…. LISTEN TO THE AUDIO ITS SUPER WAY GREAT}

…. “F*** this, I’m depressed, I’m low, I’m f****** done, I don’t care” ….

…. “I’m eating the whole f****** cookie” ….

…. “Finger prints and all” ….

…. “Bring it on c***d-19, I don’t give a f***, Might be good for me” ….

Sex, drugs, and orgasms

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…. “I used to be on anti-anxiety medicine.. . “ ….

…. “I was a little emo, angsty kid and uh, {laughs}” ….

…. “I like scraped. . .  You know I wouldn’t call it cutting” ….

…. “I wrote some freakin note and put a little blood on it so that like my mom could think I was serious {laughs}” ….

…. “I was just being a dramatic little b****” ….

…. “So of course my mom takes me to some doctor and was like {she’s broken put some pills in her}” ….

…. “So I started on Prozac really early” ….

…. “You know what. . . I’ve been on the works of pills” ….

…. “In 2016 I was like . . . F*** meat, F*** dairy, F*** psychiatrists and all that shit” ….

…. “In 2018 the vegan diet was f***** me up, I was like slowly dying” ….

…. “My mental health was bad. . . I’d say even schizophrenic at times, full of anxiety and so much physical pain.” ….

…. “I was just so sick” ….

…. “Got back on medication for the anxieties and stuff” …. 

…. “2019 the beginning I started eating meat again. . . ” ….

…. “THATS NOT MY F****** STORY, lets get back on track” ….

…. “Anyways I was on a lot of medications” …

…. “I think I’ve been off all medications for a good couple months now. . . At least 6 months” ….

…. “I’ve gone off medication maybe 3 times total” ….

…. “I always thought like maybe I have that sexual dysfunction cuz I can’t really orgasm that easy” ….

…. “I thought getting off medication would help” ….

…. “It’s still so hard” ….

…. “I realize I think that {laughs}” ….

…. “I think its just that I’ve had really bad experiences” ….

…. “So I think its that” ….

…. “It’s not the medication and the drugs” ….

…. “It’s the bad experiences that make is so I can’t have an orgasm easily” ….

…. “I can, it just takes a lot of work by myself, I don’t f****** trust nobody like that anymore because of my bad experiences” ….

…. “People talk about sex like {oh yeah that sex was good, we were f***** screaming and rocking and the bed broke and this and that}” ….

…. “I’m like what!? . . .That sounds like really uh-emotional, uh-personal. . . That seems very like. . . I DON’T KNOW . . .” ….

…. “You guys didn’t even know each other’s names!? That’s not good” ….

…. “So um. . . I don’t want that! I’m not going to get an orgasm from that” ….

…. “What? Cuz you can eat good pussy?” ….

…. “I can’t! No! I got to be so in love with you that can just blow on it and I will have an orgasm because I’m that in love with you” …. 

…. “That’s the problem, I ain’t getting close to no body to love them” ….

…. “So that’s why I can’t have an orgasm I guess” ….

…. “Does that make sense to you?” ….

…. “It’s eye opening to me” ….

…. “But I don’t know if like, you know. . .” ….

…. “When my sentences come out, I’m my head they are like Mozart music but when it comes out its like Picassos f****** pictures” ….

…. “The whole reason I brought up the whole sex talk orgasm shit was mostly cuz I wanted to say one thing that i thought i thought was funny and I don’t think i said it!? Did I? Do you know if I said it?” …. 

…. “It was that um {laughs} mother f***** I FORGOT!” ….

…. “So when I’m trying to have an orgasm. . . What I do is pretend I am madly in love with this person” ….

…. “. . .the kissing and the cuddling and looking into each other’s eyes, just going really slow and becoming one is what helps me have and orgasm” ….

…. “Not that rough and ready, quick and mother f***** I don’t know what” ….

…. “That’s just NO, porn shit NO” ….

I regret almost all the people I’ve slept with

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…. “I’ve had a lot of bad sexual experiences in my life and you can pretty much start at the beginning” ….

…. “Let’s say like junior high school days already off to a bad bad start” ….

…. “Let’s just say I don’t remember anyone teaching me about the birds and the bees or about self worth or self esteem or like none of that!” ….

…. “I was just trying to think, out of the people I’ve slept with, um sadly I think its more than a few” ….

…. “But what is everyone else’s few?!” ….

…. “There’s not very many that I’ve slept with that I can be like {I’m really happy I slept with that person} and like that’s bad!” ….

…. “That is sooo bad” ….

 …. “Sex is supposed to be a very intimate thing” ….

…. “I don’t just let nobody f****** in my intimate zone” ….

…. “But I mean. . .  I did . . . but like . .  . I didn’t know this” ….

…. “How many of theses guys? {and we said it was sadly more than a few} how many of them do I really NOT regret having sex with?” …. 

…. “At the moment can only think of like 1 *maybe, kinda, sorta*” …. 

…. “It’s blowing my mind that it is so close to zero out of the “few you know more than a few” guys I’ve slept with and that’s really fucked up” …. 

…. “That’s why I’m fucked up” ….

…. “Like I’ve become this person who really is like craving that intimacy but like just having sex with someone isn’t how I get thate intimacy. . . . . . . . . . . I’ve just realized” ….

…. “Like everyone of those fucking dudes that I regret having sex with which is majority, umm, did I get that intimacy” ….

…. “Like noooo” …. {laughs}

…. “I just ended up. . . like. . . got invaded. . . like no. . . they just invaded me. . . like I wasn’t f****** ready. . . I didn’t know who they are, were, is!” …. 

…. “But I didn’t know so much back then. . . I was so young” ….

…. “I just wanted love. . . I just wanted attention . . . I wanted affection. . . and um that’s how I didn’t get it” …. {laughs}

…. “But I thought I was gonna get it that way” …. 

…. “It didn’t work very well” …. 

Shut up anxiety

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October 3rd 2020

The more you know yourself the less anxiety you have

Because when you start getting anxiety

You learn to tell your self

“Shut the fuck up bitch, girl you are not dying, NO you do NOT need to go to the hospital, you just had too much caffeine! You are NOT dying, chill the fuck out….. Go sit in a corner and breath”

Oils & Rocks

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“I bought every crystal…

every aromatherapy essential oil…

Tarot cards…

vitamins…

….trying to clear my bad juju.

I don’t think it’s working…

If it is working!?…

…Man…

If this is the best damn outcome because my life was that fucking shitty and all of those oils and rocks actually helped and then this is the fucking holy grail here…

….then damn I don’t even know what to say, but damn; “