My life has been uprooted and every day has been a struggle for me since my brother showed up at 9pm on Saturday July 24th with dried blood on his teeth, a swollen jaw, barely able to open his mouth, with a face and mind I do not recognize. He has been living in a very dark and dangerous world I know nothing about and it breaks my heart.
I am an extremely deep feeling person and have been left alone from the only family I have. I cry every day and have constant headaches from it. I am not able to sleep, I’m full of anxiety and find myself slipping into a deep depression. I am nauseous, hardly able to eat, down 5 pounds in 3 days.
I have not heard from my brother since and I do not know if I ever will. I feel as though his death is coming, if it has not already. I have his dog now, along with my senior medically challenged cat and dog in my 1 bedroom apartment with not much help or support . They get along fine, although cramped. Most tell me to get rid of my brothers dog but this was my dads dog too. My dad who passed away 3 years ago yesterday. This dog is family. This dog is sweet and grieving just like me and I cannot turn my back on him when I know what it feels like. This dog may be the last gift and connection to my brother. I get so lonely and depressed at night and my brothers pit bull is the only one there I can hug that feels almost like a person.
…. “I used to be on anti-anxiety medicine.. . “ ….
…. “I was a little emo, angsty kid and uh, {laughs}” ….
…. “I like scraped. . . You know I wouldn’t call it cutting” ….
…. “I wrote some freakin note and put a little blood on it so that like my mom could think I was serious {laughs}” ….
…. “I was just being a dramatic little b****” ….
…. “So of course my mom takes me to some doctor and was like {she’s broken put some pills in her}” ….
…. “So I started on Prozac really early” ….
…. “You know what. . . I’ve been on the works of pills” ….
…. “In 2016 I was like . . . F*** meat, F*** dairy, F*** psychiatrists and all that shit” ….
…. “In 2018 the vegan diet was f***** me up, I was like slowly dying” ….
…. “My mental health was bad. . . I’d say even schizophrenic at times, full of anxiety and so much physical pain.” ….
…. “I was just so sick” ….
…. “Got back on medication for the anxieties and stuff” ….
…. “2019 the beginning I started eating meat again. . . ” ….
…. “THATS NOT MY F****** STORY, lets get back on track” ….
…. “Anyways I was on a lot of medications” …
…. “I think I’ve been off all medications for a good couple months now. . . At least 6 months” ….
…. “I’ve gone off medication maybe 3 times total” ….
…. “I always thought like maybe I have that sexual dysfunction cuz I can’t really orgasm that easy” ….
…. “I thought getting off medication would help” ….
…. “It’s still so hard” ….
…. “I realize I think that {laughs}” ….
…. “I think its just that I’ve had really bad experiences” ….
…. “So I think its that” ….
…. “It’s not the medication and the drugs” ….
…. “It’s the bad experiences that make is so I can’t have an orgasm easily” ….
…. “I can, it just takes a lot of work by myself, I don’t f****** trust nobody like that anymore because of my bad experiences” ….
…. “People talk about sex like {oh yeah that sex was good, we were f***** screaming and rocking and the bed broke and this and that}” ….
…. “I’m like what!? . . .That sounds like really uh-emotional, uh-personal. . . That seems very like. . . I DON’T KNOW . . .” ….
…. “You guys didn’t even know each other’s names!? That’s not good” ….
…. “So um. . . I don’t want that! I’m not going to get an orgasm from that” ….
…. “What? Cuz you can eat good pussy?” ….
…. “I can’t! No! I got to be so in love with you that can just blow on it and I will have an orgasm because I’m that in love with you” ….
…. “That’s the problem, I ain’t getting close to no body to love them” ….
…. “So that’s why I can’t have an orgasm I guess” ….
…. “Does that make sense to you?” ….
…. “It’s eye opening to me” ….
…. “But I don’t know if like, you know. . .” ….
…. “When my sentences come out, I’m my head they are like Mozart music but when it comes out its like Picassos f****** pictures” ….
…. “The whole reason I brought up the whole sex talk orgasm shit was mostly cuz I wanted to say one thing that i thought i thought was funny and I don’t think i said it!? Did I? Do you know if I said it?” ….
…. “It was that um {laughs} mother f***** I FORGOT!” ….
…. “So when I’m trying to have an orgasm. . . What I do is pretend I am madly in love with this person” ….
…. “. . .the kissing and the cuddling and looking into each other’s eyes, just going really slow and becoming one is what helps me have and orgasm” ….
…. “Not that rough and ready, quick and mother f***** I don’t know what” ….
Sami Peculiar 