…. “keeps the boys away” ….
…. “I don’t want NO boys around my kitty cat” ….
…. “It’s like a chia pet” ….
…. “It’s a triangle bush! Like a topiary bush” ….
…. “keeps me from dropping trou- ” ….
What type of bush mama do I want to be?
Tag: female comedian
Fall so hard in love with me
{PART 1}
I want someone to….
….fall in love with me so fucking hard….
*BEFORE* they sleep with me….
….BEFORE they even had their fucking first kiss with me
Because if you haven’t fallen in love with me so fucking hard….
*BEFORE* you kiss me….
You don’t deserve to kiss me…
…OK
And also…. {Ramble, ramble, ramble, listen to the audio}
{PART 2}
I want you to fall in love with me so fucking hard…
*BEFORE* we have sex…
…So I know you love me for not just the sex…
OK
I need you to love me for the non sexual reasons…
…and that way I know…
….that you will never try to sleep with somebody else…
…because you’re so in love with all the other shit about me…
…I need you to be aware of the non sexual things….
If that makes any sense….
So when you look at these other girls…
….and they’re hotter than me…
….you’re gonna be like….. NO!!!
“But Sams got {THIS} and {THAT} and no ones got that and I fell in love with {THAT}….”
Thats when….
….maybe….
….. I’ll fall in love you…
Covid Photos
In the future looking back at photos from 2020 are going to be funny
Our grand children are going to be like
“Grandpa, what’s on grandma’s face? Right under her chin? That cloth diaper looking thing”
We will be like
“Oh honey that was 2020, that’s the Covid era, we don’t talk about that time, that was a bad time”
Love at first sight isn’t true love
It may have been love at first sight for you
But you will never know if it’s true love till some time passes
Till you have been through some struggles
Till you have hated that person yet you still cant live with out them
That’s when you know its true love
Just cuz it was love at first sight doesn’t mean its true love
That’s just fucking infatuation
Stop fucking infatuating yourself with strangers and trying to stick your dick in them
Thank you
My name is Sami and I am a gum addict
….
How do you know if someone is a gum addict?
Same way you know if someone is addicted to cigarettes….
….they buy the cartons at Costco
I… am…. a…. gum addict
I buy the cartons of gum at Costco
Probably, possibly bi-weekly or at least for sure monthly…. about…
Yeah
I got my addictions to the gums
I don’t know why
I probably have a deficiency or effects of antidepressants
I just keep wanting to chew it
Have my mouth so minty and not dry
I just don’t like to have that cotton mouth
That dryness
I’m not even that big of a stoner
So uh
Yeah ….
My name is Sami and I am a gum addict….
Lesson from a old man in a tutu at trader joes
So this one day…. meaning right now…. I uh…
I was doing my hair and makeup, I was high
Um Its ok, I had the day off
I was like what makeup should I do? What hair should I do?
And I was like what the fuck
It’s my day off
And why do I even have to do my hair or make up
So I just put it in this messy ass bun since I don’t need my hair looking great
I really wish I could just take my hair off, have a shaved head or something
But I don’t so I put it in a bun on the top of my head and I get all the hair off my neck and shoulders so it at least feels like I don’t have any hair
Except it feels like something is squeezing my head which is really annoying but I guess its the price I pay for not shaving my head
Anyway I put my hair in a weird ass bun and I have my crooked ass reject glasses on, No make up on and thought…
. . . should I at least put some mascara on?
. . . don’t I need like something?
Then I was like bitch
If I can fucking see at Trader Joes
A old ass man in a faded fucking rainbow tutu with a dirty wife beater pulling his luggage around waving like he is Marilyn Monroe
Yeah…I saw that the other day at Trader Joes
If I can see that
Surely,
Fucking surely,
I can walk out of the house with my hair in a bun
No makeup on
Not even mascara
Surely, I can do that
So that’s what I am going to do today
Sex today is sad
Girl realizes she just met a guy
She barely knows him
Jumps in bed with said guy and puts his junk inside her
They have never even spent 1 hour cuddling
or…
Never saw each other naked before
or…
Had a moment where they loved each other
and…
Never thought about having a life with each other… out of love NOT lust
They have never even had breakfast together…
Saw a sunrise together…
Gone on a hike together…
Discovered a new thing together…
Or just done couples things….
BUT NOW….
Now they have had sex
Two complete strangers have had sex
Before they ever get to know one another really
Now that they have had sex
Sex is on the mind
So uh…
You just don’t get to know people in the same way as if you never had sex with them
You know what I’m saying?…
Celtic Women Rant
So I am an old soul yet I look super young
24 year olds think they are older than me
I’m 33…
…{…ramble…}…
…So technically I have and old soul
I like oldies and all that stuff
…{…ramble…}…
…so what type of music do you think I like?
I like fricken Celtic Women shit
And i’m an introvert
You wouldn’t know it
…
My thought are about me
My actions are about me
Introversion
I’m straight up interested in me
….
People always think I have energy
Im tired as fuck all the time
You wouldn’t know because I do ok being extroverted and making shit about them and not my tired ass
…
I’m a self centered introvert so therefor I like attention on myself
I really love having conversations with people when its about me
Because of the introversion but maybe that’s perversion?
I don’t know….
But yeah
It is 7:46 pm on a Saturday night in Las Vegas
And I’m listening to Celtic Women alone
I’m fucking cool guys
{ramble}…. (listen to the recording above)
Also I want to be a stand up fuckin comedy-ian…. comedeein, comed-ian….. there we go…
I’m so introverted, I’m so alone all the time yet when I’m at work its about them, “What do you want? How can I serve you…”
{ramble….}
I work my fuckin ass off
So here on a Friday nigh before 8pm in my pjs, showered, no makeup, hair looking like a 5 year old with her little side braid, with my Celtic Women, high, cracked out on caffeine
But yeah I’m so introverted and tired of playing extrovert all day
I have to talk to myself because not alot of people want to talk to me about me
Its always about them and I fucking hate that and that’s probably why I just want to be alone
But I got these jokes, I go these rhymes, I got theses fucking verses
I want to get out off my chest
So here you are
ramble…………
Dick size doesn’t matter
So… size is not important to me
I have had guys with big dicks that just hurt
I have had a guy with a big skinny dick I could hardly feel
…{ramble}…
I had a guy with a big dick who couldn’t stay hard
I had a guy with a big dick who couldn’t last long
My point is…
Big dicks are more disappointing than not big dicks
To be honest
So….
It’s not about the fucking size
It’s about the connection
And…
We all know its about the clitoris
You don’t need a big dick for the clitoris…
True Love {for my cat}
True love is when you hate them
When they annoy the fuck out of you
When you wish you didn’t have them
Because they make things harder
But…
You could never
Ever…
Think about leaving them
Really…
And that is how I feel for my cat
To be fair
I’m sure she feels the same
I know she has hated me at times
I know I have annoyed her at times
But…
I know she loves me….
Sami Peculiar 