Used to call myself a slut

I used to call myself a slut. I can see how wrong that phrase is now. I was a young girl who wanted real, true, love. I wanted that fairy tale love. Unfortunately, I was blessed with the looks of a slutty librarian and from my point of view; slutty librarians attract the worst kind of guys. 

Growing up I didn’t have parents who were very “active” in my life. They worked their asses off to make sure we had a roof over our heads and food on the table. But, at the end of the day they were worn out and looking for their own salvation. We all have our own demons and traumas, we all want the same things in life but in different packages. 

I wasn’t exactly taught what self respect was, or how to tell the good guys from the bad. I didn’t know that most if not all guys think with their dicks and will do whatever for them. I still have yet to meet one who actually wants to get to know ME versus desperately rushing to get to know my body. 

I’m turning 36 in 2 months and I can honestly say I’ve never had good sex. I’m too fucked up in the head to enjoy it now. I’ve been sexually used and abused since the beginning of my adolescence. I was desperate to please, eager to be what people wanted me to be. I have had too many questionable experiences to count. 

Its only taken me 36 years to finally say “What about me?”. Where are the guys lined up to please me? And I’m not talking sexually. I find no pleasure in a stranger who knows nothing about me, who has no true feelings for me other than trying to find my clit and touching me too hard for their own pleasure and my own personal pain. 

Nobody taught me that sex and love are two very different things. I Think many will  never learn that but I’ve always been very good at spotting patterns. The problem is sometimes the pattern has to repeat itself far too many times before I can spot it. The damage is done and it’s quite extensive in this instance. 

I have finally stopped the pattern but I fear there is no hope for me now. I’m grown sick and tired of guys hitting on me. All I see is them wanting a piece of me, a taste of me for their own indulgence. They don’t have the slightest clue who I am, who I was, who I want to be, yet they want me and they have no desire to get to know me, only my body. I’m instantly turned off by any man that hits on me. I can’t help but see them as dogs. It’s like they think if they have a nice dick or a big house then I should be hot and bothered for them. 

I want more, 

I fear I want something that doesn’t exist,

Something I’m not capable of at this point;

You don’t know what lonely is

I’ve been alone for so long, it’s just like normal to me

And I think it’s funny when I hear people or see people that just like don’t know how to be alone or they are just so codependent its sad

Like those people…

I just feel like becoming Robin William’s in Jumanji

You know, when he comes out of the jungle and is like ”what year is this?”

I wanna be like “You don’t know lonely bitch”

Like I’m over here, sitting in my fucking room looking at a poster with a bunch of fucking eyes looking at me

I’m that fucking lonely… have YOU been that lonely!? I DON’T FUCKING THINK SO

So don’t come at me with this I’m lonely shit, you know… go fucking cry to your best friends and you know you got like 5 of em


You ain’t lonely, you just a loser…. NO that’s fucked up

I don’t meant that end part, I just didn’t know what else to say… ok….

But I’m just saying

You ain’t fucking lonely

You don’t even fucking know what lonely is

Remember… picture me as Robin Williams coming out of the jungle in Jumaji saying

You don’t fucking know what lonely is bitch

Just think of me and you’ll feel better

Older Men

So my uh… 20 year old… cute little co-worker…

She was telling me how this one client was flirting with her and he’s older

And I was like wait? what’s older? she says “like 38”

I’m like oh… that’s just like… my age

But I’m like also thinking like

“NO bitch they don’t get better with age, they get more fucked up with age”

They are so fucking damaged

Don’t go older bitch, you need to go younger, you need to get em like… locked up… like right out of the womb you know and you need to train em and um make sure they don’t get too fucked up

But by the time they get back up here in this age, in the thirties, they already fucked up

They are NOT better

All I want in a relationship

…. “If it sounds like I’m peeing. . . . I’M NOT” ….

…. “I’m just brewing some tea . . . So don’t get on my case about that” ….

…. “After a long day at work and standing . . . My f****** feet, ankles, knees, back, arms, everything just hurts” …. 

…. “So all I want is just someone who’s gonna rub my feet and head and everything in between” …. 

…. “And um. . . Cuddle and not say a word” ….

…. “Like that’s all I want in life, and if I ain’t getting that from someone why the f*** am I in a relationship with you?” ….

I regret almost all the people I’ve slept with

…. “I’ve had a lot of bad sexual experiences in my life and you can pretty much start at the beginning” ….

…. “Let’s say like junior high school days already off to a bad bad start” ….

…. “Let’s just say I don’t remember anyone teaching me about the birds and the bees or about self worth or self esteem or like none of that!” ….

…. “I was just trying to think, out of the people I’ve slept with, um sadly I think its more than a few” ….

…. “But what is everyone else’s few?!” ….

…. “There’s not very many that I’ve slept with that I can be like {I’m really happy I slept with that person} and like that’s bad!” ….

…. “That is sooo bad” ….

 …. “Sex is supposed to be a very intimate thing” ….

…. “I don’t just let nobody f****** in my intimate zone” ….

…. “But I mean. . .  I did . . . but like . .  . I didn’t know this” ….

…. “How many of theses guys? {and we said it was sadly more than a few} how many of them do I really NOT regret having sex with?” …. 

…. “At the moment can only think of like 1 *maybe, kinda, sorta*” …. 

…. “It’s blowing my mind that it is so close to zero out of the “few you know more than a few” guys I’ve slept with and that’s really fucked up” …. 

…. “That’s why I’m fucked up” ….

…. “Like I’ve become this person who really is like craving that intimacy but like just having sex with someone isn’t how I get thate intimacy. . . . . . . . . . . I’ve just realized” ….

…. “Like everyone of those fucking dudes that I regret having sex with which is majority, umm, did I get that intimacy” ….

…. “Like noooo” …. {laughs}

…. “I just ended up. . . like. . . got invaded. . . like no. . . they just invaded me. . . like I wasn’t f****** ready. . . I didn’t know who they are, were, is!” …. 

…. “But I didn’t know so much back then. . . I was so young” ….

…. “I just wanted love. . . I just wanted attention . . . I wanted affection. . . and um that’s how I didn’t get it” …. {laughs}

…. “But I thought I was gonna get it that way” …. 

…. “It didn’t work very well” …. 

Cast Iron Love

…. “Real love is like having a really well cared for cast iron pan” ….

…. “You got to care for it and season that m****** f*****” ….

…. “. . . .you got to cook with it, you got to throw some oil in it {some extra love into the pan}” ….

…. “You got to keep putting love and attention into this cast iron pan and then you cook an egg and its f*** beautiful!” ….

…. “Nothing sticks to it, It is like a beautiful love” ….

…. “But guess what your done cooking and you gotta like still care for that m******f******” ….

…. “I’m just scrubbing it for whatever reason. . . I’m just giving it more f**** love so its gonna keep working for me” ….

…. “But this whole time I’m like making love to this m***** f******* cast iron pan” ….

…. “I’m taking care of it and you know what its taking care of me” ….

I’ve become my dad

…. “Sometimes I laugh and feel like I’ve become my dad in a way” ….

…. “He was the one with the sense of humor, he was the one with the bad jokes” …..

…. “He was the one who was just himself” ….

…. “Every night I like go to my bathtub and sit high as fuck just like my dad” ….

{miss you daddy, Love you}

It’s the shit that fucks you up in life that makes you beautiful

October 5th 2020

Its the shit that fucks you up in life that makes you beautiful

I look at my cat and think she has the cutest little walk

And then I realize

Its because she limps because of the shit she went through in life

Because for the first year of her life she was living at a hoarders house where she was scared to move from this one area of the cluttered house so she developed muscular atrophy

Then in the beginning of this year she was diagnosed with some type of plaque psoriasis like disease that mostly affects her legs with scabs which she licks till they become infected. We had to biopsy one leg to get a true diagnosis and after that she added an extra limp to her already unusual walk

Then I thought she looks so cute in her cone

Because when she is in her cone she likes to put one ear down and also does this weird paw move to try to get the cone off that reminds me of one of those Asian lucky fortune cat figurines that the paw moves

When she wears the cone she becomes another cat

She becomes so sweet and yet so needy at the same time

She insists on sleeping under the covers with me its super adorable yet do you know how hard it is to get a good nights sleep when you are sleeping with a dirty ass lamp shade

That cone is everywhere from touching the cat litter to her throwing up on it and dragging on the floor etc.

So all this makes her so damn cute yet I recognize its all the tough shit she has been through that had made her cuter and made me love her more

Even her whiskers are cute because her having the cone made them all ratchet and going every which way

I’m good at being ghosted

…. “I am like the best person for somebody to ghost” ….

…. “I run the other way…. I don’t run to the god damn ghost” ….

…. “I’m not gonna fight for your attention” ….

…. “I was trying to pull this s*** out of this m***** f*****” ….

…. “I need to feel like you want to be a part of my life” ….

…. “I don’t want to play that game…. mmmm mm” ….

…. “I’m like peace m***** f*****! I’M OUT” ….

Place of happy heartbreak

…. “It’s happy” ….

…. “I feel like if you love somebody that means you accept them for who they are” ….

…. “You can’t love someone and not accept them for who they are” ….

…. “I think that’s where a lot of relationships fail. . .  They think they love each other but their love is a shallow piece of s****” ….

…. “No honey, NO” ….

…. “You just want to see them happy” ….