No one is screwing me over anymore

…. “I definitely wasn’t always the person who didn’t give a s*** about anything or what people do, say or think about me” ….

…. “I was definitely the opposite of that for the majority of my life” ….

…. “And unfortunately it was like my last {kind of} relationship, if you want to call it that, that uh really made me snap and just say f*** it ” ….

…. “I’m so f****** done!” ….

…. “Because. . .like. . .this m***** f***** like assaulted me and manipulated me” ….

…. “It was so fucking bad and I didn’t even know it till like a few weeks in what the f*** was going on and what had happened actually ” ….

…. “I was so f****** like freaked out and like what the f***?! How did this happen? ” ….

…. “And um, like I’m trying to get rid of this m***** f***** and trying to be nice about it” ….

…. “I realize, like yeah, me being nice and trying not to hurt other people was reallly really f****** me over” ….

…. “And finally I had to tell this m***** f*****, don’t f***** contact me” ….

…. “And it was like weird, it was super hard and strange and it felt good” ….

…. “It felt so f****** good that like I really just snapped into this other side of it where I’m like f*** that feels good to just not give a f***” ….

 …. “I’m not taking care of your feelings anymore its time to take care of my feeling” ….

…. “I’m still a good person. . . . But. . . No one is f****** me over anymore” ….

Random thoughts and facts

…. “So uh” ….

…. “Sorry I’ve been a little MIA on the podcast” …. 

***(PS find me where the podcasts are for the most current rants)***

…. “Just uh. . . I don’t know. . . Trying to figure my life out” ….

…. “Also . . . Uh. . . ” ….

…. “Sometimes I have my cup that I drink my tea in and I clean it out in the shower  while I clean myself” …. 

…. “I thought I wanted you guys to know that” ….

…. “As I’m just showering and doing my dishes over here” ….

Getting good at being yelled at

…. “Just waking up” ….

…. “I’m up, I’m up, I’m up, I’m up” ….

…. “I just was thinking” ….

…. “Going down memory lane and how I used to just be this different person that . . . um couldn’t handle stress” ….

…. “I was like terrified of everything, Everything!” …. 

…. “I needed to be institutionalized, I mean I might still need to be institutionalized but whatever I’m happy” ….

…. “Back then I wasn’t happy and I was fucked up. . . or in a different way and um. . .” ….

…. “Im just like wow I’ve come so fucking far” ….

…. “I’m so like spiritual and awakened you know, like. . .” ….

…. “When theses m***** f****** are b******* and moaning at me” ….

…. “I don’t even f****** bat and eyelash” ….

…. “I know, I’m like in my head {I know this m***** f***** is having a bad day}” ….

…. “Whatever, something ain’t right, it has absolutely nothing to do with me” ….

…. “They are just sick of all the rules and changes in life and all the other drama in their life” ….

…. “So they are taking this s*** out on me” ….

…. “I realize this, I realize this” ….

…. “I just sit there and let them go on their little hissy fits” …. 

…. “It’s the best f***** thing to do because these m***** f****** shut up and end up apologizing to me cuz they realize how f****** dumb they are!” …. 

….{Side story rant}….

…. “Mind you, I’m in the middle of a f****** haircut right now!” …. 

…. “So I tell this mother f*****. . .” ….

…. “So this guy keeps going off and saying some bull s***” ….

…. “Yes, I was shaky, I was reeling, reeling, reeling” …. 

…. “I wasn’t about to meet that fool with his energy” ….

…. “I hear this mother f***** say {it’s a real hostile environment in here, isn’t it?}” ….

…. “I’m not giving that f****** idiot any time of day right now” ….

…. “He is on a different plane and I don’t want to get on that one” ….

…. “I guess apparently he apologized to the stylists. . .” ….

…. “Awesome sweet” ….

Butterfly filter lips

…. “God damn these f****** internet filters, like they be getting me” ….

…. “I done even like that the f***** butterflies are there” ….

…. “I just like the tones that it tones my picture to, it smoother my skin to look like a babies ass, um like it gives what looks like cool eyelashes or something, and it lightens my eyes . . . AND THEY ARE DIFFERENT COLORS” ….

…. “F*** yeah, of course I like that shit” ….

…. “But um IDGAF about the butterflies but they are there” ….

…. “Cheaper than getting contacts” ….

…. “Wait wait wait. . . I thought your lips were bigger than that b****” ….

…. “You realize all these filters be plumping your lips {laughs} and giving you f****** lip injections” ….

…. “You didn’t even know. . .  Now you tripping out in the mirror like where the f*** my lips go?” ….

I regret almost all the people I’ve slept with

…. “I’ve had a lot of bad sexual experiences in my life and you can pretty much start at the beginning” ….

…. “Let’s say like junior high school days already off to a bad bad start” ….

…. “Let’s just say I don’t remember anyone teaching me about the birds and the bees or about self worth or self esteem or like none of that!” ….

…. “I was just trying to think, out of the people I’ve slept with, um sadly I think its more than a few” ….

…. “But what is everyone else’s few?!” ….

…. “There’s not very many that I’ve slept with that I can be like {I’m really happy I slept with that person} and like that’s bad!” ….

…. “That is sooo bad” ….

 …. “Sex is supposed to be a very intimate thing” ….

…. “I don’t just let nobody f****** in my intimate zone” ….

…. “But I mean. . .  I did . . . but like . .  . I didn’t know this” ….

…. “How many of theses guys? {and we said it was sadly more than a few} how many of them do I really NOT regret having sex with?” …. 

…. “At the moment can only think of like 1 *maybe, kinda, sorta*” …. 

…. “It’s blowing my mind that it is so close to zero out of the “few you know more than a few” guys I’ve slept with and that’s really fucked up” …. 

…. “That’s why I’m fucked up” ….

…. “Like I’ve become this person who really is like craving that intimacy but like just having sex with someone isn’t how I get thate intimacy. . . . . . . . . . . I’ve just realized” ….

…. “Like everyone of those fucking dudes that I regret having sex with which is majority, umm, did I get that intimacy” ….

…. “Like noooo” …. {laughs}

…. “I just ended up. . . like. . . got invaded. . . like no. . . they just invaded me. . . like I wasn’t f****** ready. . . I didn’t know who they are, were, is!” …. 

…. “But I didn’t know so much back then. . . I was so young” ….

…. “I just wanted love. . . I just wanted attention . . . I wanted affection. . . and um that’s how I didn’t get it” …. {laughs}

…. “But I thought I was gonna get it that way” …. 

…. “It didn’t work very well” …. 

I’ve become my dad

…. “Sometimes I laugh and feel like I’ve become my dad in a way” ….

…. “He was the one with the sense of humor, he was the one with the bad jokes” …..

…. “He was the one who was just himself” ….

…. “Every night I like go to my bathtub and sit high as fuck just like my dad” ….

{miss you daddy, Love you}

Shut up anxiety

October 3rd 2020

The more you know yourself the less anxiety you have

Because when you start getting anxiety

You learn to tell your self

“Shut the fuck up bitch, girl you are not dying, NO you do NOT need to go to the hospital, you just had too much caffeine! You are NOT dying, chill the fuck out….. Go sit in a corner and breath”

Talking honestly to the spy cams

…. “I’m learning to be so openly honest and just like, I’m not trying to be mean, I definitely come off as nice as possible but I say the truth with no f***** in a nice way!” ….

…. “. . . I know because I am the manager that there are cameras that are listening to us” ….

…. “I’m like you know what? {I f****** love this}” ….

…. “I’m gonna be f****** honest {in the nice way}” ….

…. “I f****** hope they hear it! I DO!” ….

…. “These m****** f****** need to hear this shit” ….

Secretive people are weird

…. “You know what always like confuses me about people {laughs}” ….

…. “. . . Sometimes we got to get your name, number and email to like check you in for your appointment ” ….

…. “UNDERSTANDABLE” ….

…. “But some of these m***** f******  . . .” ….

…. “They are so f****** like securitive” ….

…. “What is that. . . overly security?!?” …..

…. “I DONT KNOW” ….

…. “Super secretive!” ….

8…. “I’m looking at them and I’m like…. {m***** f***** you look like you just some old man who like in retirement like who’s the f***be checking up on you?!” ….

…. “You think your some big shot?” …

…. “No” ….

…. “I don’t think people care to know what area you live in, like you ain’t that f***** big! STOP!” ….

I’m good at being ghosted

…. “I am like the best person for somebody to ghost” ….

…. “I run the other way…. I don’t run to the god damn ghost” ….

…. “I’m not gonna fight for your attention” ….

…. “I was trying to pull this s*** out of this m***** f*****” ….

…. “I need to feel like you want to be a part of my life” ….

…. “I don’t want to play that game…. mmmm mm” ….

…. “I’m like peace m***** f*****! I’M OUT” ….