Hey guys check out my podcast called Sami Rants where most podcasts are spewed.
Check out my podcast | Sami Rants
Tag: standup
Fall so hard in love with me
{PART 1}
I want someone to….
….fall in love with me so fucking hard….
*BEFORE* they sleep with me….
….BEFORE they even had their fucking first kiss with me
Because if you haven’t fallen in love with me so fucking hard….
*BEFORE* you kiss me….
You don’t deserve to kiss me…
…OK
And also…. {Ramble, ramble, ramble, listen to the audio}
{PART 2}
I want you to fall in love with me so fucking hard…
*BEFORE* we have sex…
…So I know you love me for not just the sex…
OK
I need you to love me for the non sexual reasons…
…and that way I know…
….that you will never try to sleep with somebody else…
…because you’re so in love with all the other shit about me…
…I need you to be aware of the non sexual things….
If that makes any sense….
So when you look at these other girls…
….and they’re hotter than me…
….you’re gonna be like….. NO!!!
“But Sams got {THIS} and {THAT} and no ones got that and I fell in love with {THAT}….”
Thats when….
….maybe….
….. I’ll fall in love you…
Lesson from a old man in a tutu at trader joes
So this one day…. meaning right now…. I uh…
I was doing my hair and makeup, I was high
Um Its ok, I had the day off
I was like what makeup should I do? What hair should I do?
And I was like what the fuck
It’s my day off
And why do I even have to do my hair or make up
So I just put it in this messy ass bun since I don’t need my hair looking great
I really wish I could just take my hair off, have a shaved head or something
But I don’t so I put it in a bun on the top of my head and I get all the hair off my neck and shoulders so it at least feels like I don’t have any hair
Except it feels like something is squeezing my head which is really annoying but I guess its the price I pay for not shaving my head
Anyway I put my hair in a weird ass bun and I have my crooked ass reject glasses on, No make up on and thought…
. . . should I at least put some mascara on?
. . . don’t I need like something?
Then I was like bitch
If I can fucking see at Trader Joes
A old ass man in a faded fucking rainbow tutu with a dirty wife beater pulling his luggage around waving like he is Marilyn Monroe
Yeah…I saw that the other day at Trader Joes
If I can see that
Surely,
Fucking surely,
I can walk out of the house with my hair in a bun
No makeup on
Not even mascara
Surely, I can do that
So that’s what I am going to do today
Sex today is sad
Girl realizes she just met a guy
She barely knows him
Jumps in bed with said guy and puts his junk inside her
They have never even spent 1 hour cuddling
or…
Never saw each other naked before
or…
Had a moment where they loved each other
and…
Never thought about having a life with each other… out of love NOT lust
They have never even had breakfast together…
Saw a sunrise together…
Gone on a hike together…
Discovered a new thing together…
Or just done couples things….
BUT NOW….
Now they have had sex
Two complete strangers have had sex
Before they ever get to know one another really
Now that they have had sex
Sex is on the mind
So uh…
You just don’t get to know people in the same way as if you never had sex with them
You know what I’m saying?…
Celtic Women Rant
So I am an old soul yet I look super young
24 year olds think they are older than me
I’m 33…
…{…ramble…}…
…So technically I have and old soul
I like oldies and all that stuff
…{…ramble…}…
…so what type of music do you think I like?
I like fricken Celtic Women shit
And i’m an introvert
You wouldn’t know it
…
My thought are about me
My actions are about me
Introversion
I’m straight up interested in me
….
People always think I have energy
Im tired as fuck all the time
You wouldn’t know because I do ok being extroverted and making shit about them and not my tired ass
…
I’m a self centered introvert so therefor I like attention on myself
I really love having conversations with people when its about me
Because of the introversion but maybe that’s perversion?
I don’t know….
But yeah
It is 7:46 pm on a Saturday night in Las Vegas
And I’m listening to Celtic Women alone
I’m fucking cool guys
{ramble}…. (listen to the recording above)
Also I want to be a stand up fuckin comedy-ian…. comedeein, comed-ian….. there we go…
I’m so introverted, I’m so alone all the time yet when I’m at work its about them, “What do you want? How can I serve you…”
{ramble….}
I work my fuckin ass off
So here on a Friday nigh before 8pm in my pjs, showered, no makeup, hair looking like a 5 year old with her little side braid, with my Celtic Women, high, cracked out on caffeine
But yeah I’m so introverted and tired of playing extrovert all day
I have to talk to myself because not alot of people want to talk to me about me
Its always about them and I fucking hate that and that’s probably why I just want to be alone
But I got these jokes, I go these rhymes, I got theses fucking verses
I want to get out off my chest
So here you are
ramble…………
Dick size doesn’t matter
So… size is not important to me
I have had guys with big dicks that just hurt
I have had a guy with a big skinny dick I could hardly feel
…{ramble}…
I had a guy with a big dick who couldn’t stay hard
I had a guy with a big dick who couldn’t last long
My point is…
Big dicks are more disappointing than not big dicks
To be honest
So….
It’s not about the fucking size
It’s about the connection
And…
We all know its about the clitoris
You don’t need a big dick for the clitoris…
True Love {for my cat}
True love is when you hate them
When they annoy the fuck out of you
When you wish you didn’t have them
Because they make things harder
But…
You could never
Ever…
Think about leaving them
Really…
And that is how I feel for my cat
To be fair
I’m sure she feels the same
I know she has hated me at times
I know I have annoyed her at times
But…
I know she loves me….
Confidence and my weird witch voice
SO my confidence has gone up in life…
Finallyyyy
At 34 almost years old
I know this because
A….
I though of something so important to say that I had to do it while showering
AND
B…. because
Today this young girl said “you have a weird voice” {in weird little girl voice}
Literally this young innocent sweet girl who is just being brutally honest, not even coming off mean, just noticing her surroundings and apparently what she noticed was………………………………….. “I have a weird voice”
And then she says “IT’S LIKE A WITCH” {in a cute weird little girl voice}
I think its cute. My pride isn’t hurt…. {no ego or pride hurt here by this sweet innocent honest little girl}
…
I mean yeah
I always kind of thought my voice sounded funny on recordings
But I figure that’s how it is with everybody when you hear your voice
Like some weird matrix shit
So I just thought that was normal and that my voice was normal
…
So now at 34 almost years old
I am starting to wonder if my voice is actually funny
Like haha not wow that was a good joke
but like haha your voice sounds strange
….
So
Here where my confidence part kicked in
I have this conceited thought while in the shower
I thought hey
Its better to hear it from this little girl whos being all cute and sweet
Its better to hear it from her that my voice is “funny” and “sounds like a witch” than from people and my tolls on the internet when I get like
Big and famous
You know and I get trolls and shit
…
One troll one day is going to say to me “your voice sounds funny”
And I am going to be like
Thank you…. little girl
Thank you for that
I really appreciate you bringing that to my attention but uh
Yeah, I think its pretty cool
….
Anyways, that was my thought in the shower
And I knew
I know I was going to forget it
If I didn’t tell it
And
I was like 100% sure that I was going to fuck it up
But uh apparently I didn’t
I think I made it all the way through
And I didn’t you know get side tracked by a squirrel or something
….
Just remember that guys when you tell me my voice sounds funny
Or when you think it
It doesn’t hurt me
You cant hurt me
I think its cute
Bye……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..
………………………………………. . . . .
I cant frickin log into my phone to turn this recording off
Because my hands are all wet and it doesn’t recognize the finger print
But I finally got it unlocked right now
And sorry you had to hear that
Thank you for listening this far
If you got this far
Your fucking awesome!
Fuck Fuckboys
No!
I do not want to have some “fun” with you.
I haven’t even met you.
Your cock is not some prized possession to me and your skills I’m sure will leave much to be desired.
I can fuck myself better than you ever will.
To hook up with you early on would be only to your pleasure.
I’m not down for pleasuring some guy I don’t even know if I can even stand as a person.
If you want me you have to prove you’re interested in more than just my body parts and looks.
I’m not looking for a sex partner.
I’m looking for my best friend.
Someone who will be there for me through thick and thin.
Comfort me in times of need.
Challenge me to be stronger.
Be my muse.
Inspire me.
Teach me new things.
Explore the unknown with me.
Let me into your world.
Show me a possible and grand future with you.
And I’ll do the same for you.
Only then (if we’re on the same page) may I be able to actually enjoy having sex with you.
Till then don’t even try to kiss me or ask me for a kiss.
Why not try to be so amazing I can’t help but ask {YOU} for a kiss…
