Tag: standup

Lesson from a old man in a tutu at trader joes

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ranted this morning

So this one day…. meaning right now…. I uh…

I was doing my hair and makeup, I was high

Um Its ok, I had the day off

I was like what makeup should I do? What hair should I do?

And I was like what the fuck

It’s my day off

And why do I even have to do my hair or make up

So I just put it in this messy ass bun since I don’t need my hair looking great

I really wish I could just take my hair off, have a shaved head or something

But I don’t so I put it in a bun on the top of my head and I get all the hair off my neck and shoulders so it at least feels like I don’t have any hair

Except it feels like something is squeezing my head which is really annoying but I guess its the price I pay for not shaving my head

Anyway I put my hair in a weird ass bun and I have my crooked ass reject glasses on, No make up on and thought…

. . . should I at least put some mascara on?

. . . don’t I need like something?

Then I was like bitch

If I can fucking see at Trader Joes

A old ass man in a faded fucking rainbow tutu with a dirty wife beater pulling his luggage around waving like he is Marilyn Monroe

Yeah…I saw that the other day at Trader Joes

If I can see that

Surely,

Fucking surely,

I can walk out of the house with my hair in a bun

No makeup on

Not even mascara

Surely, I can do that

So that’s what I am going to do today

Sex today is sad

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Girl realizes she just met a guy

She barely knows him

Jumps in bed with said guy and puts his junk inside her

They have never even spent 1 hour cuddling

or…

Never saw each other naked before

or…

Had a moment where they loved each other

and…

Never thought about having a life with each other… out of love NOT lust

They have never even had breakfast together…

Saw a sunrise together…

Gone on a hike together…

Discovered a new thing together…

Or just done couples things….

BUT NOW….

Now they have had sex

Two complete strangers have had sex

Before they ever get to know one another really

Now that they have had sex

Sex is on the mind

So uh…

You just don’t get to know people in the same way as if you never had sex with them

You know what I’m saying?…

Celtic Women Rant

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So I am an old soul yet I look super young

24 year olds think they are older than me

I’m 33…

…{…ramble…}…

…So technically I have and old soul

I like oldies and all that stuff

…{…ramble…}…

…so what type of music do you think I like?

I like fricken Celtic Women shit

And i’m an introvert

You wouldn’t know it

…

My thought are about me

My actions are about me

Introversion

I’m straight up interested in me

….

People always think I have energy

Im tired as fuck all the time

You wouldn’t know because I do ok being extroverted and making shit about them and not my tired ass

…

I’m a self centered introvert so therefor I like attention on myself

I really love having conversations with people when its about me

Because of the introversion but maybe that’s perversion?

I don’t know….

But yeah

It is 7:46 pm on a Saturday night in Las Vegas

And I’m listening to Celtic Women alone

I’m fucking cool guys

{ramble}…. (listen to the recording above)

Also I want to be a stand up fuckin comedy-ian…. comedeein, comed-ian….. there we go…

I’m so introverted, I’m so alone all the time yet when I’m at work its about them, “What do you want? How can I serve you…”

{ramble….}

I work my fuckin ass off

So here on a Friday nigh before 8pm in my pjs, showered, no makeup, hair looking like a 5 year old with her little side braid, with my Celtic Women, high, cracked out on caffeine

But yeah I’m so introverted and tired of playing extrovert all day

I have to talk to myself because not alot of people want to talk to me about me

Its always about them and I fucking hate that and that’s probably why I just want to be alone

But I got these jokes, I go these rhymes, I got theses fucking verses

I want to get out off my chest

So here you are

ramble…………

Why I have no friends

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The problem and reason why I don’t have {many} friends

Is because

I would much rather organize my closet

or…

Stare at a wall

I would enjoy myself that much more than to actually converse with another human and the shit that THEY want to talk about and do

It’s so uninteresting to me yet I thoroughly enjoy getting high and uh…

Cleaning…. stretching…. cooking…. staring at a blank wall……. etc……

That’s fun for me….

Dick size doesn’t matter

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So… size is not important to me

I have had guys with big dicks that just hurt

I have had a guy with a big skinny dick I could hardly feel

…{ramble}…

I had a guy with a big dick who couldn’t stay hard

I had a guy with a big dick who couldn’t last long

My point is…

Big dicks are more disappointing than not big dicks

To be honest

So….

It’s not about the fucking size

It’s about the connection

And…

We all know its about the clitoris

You don’t need a big dick for the clitoris…

True Love {for my cat}

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True love is when you hate them

When they annoy the fuck out of you

When you wish you didn’t have them

Because they make things harder

But…

You could never

Ever…

Think about leaving them

Really…

And that is how I feel for my cat

To be fair

I’m sure she feels the same

I know she has hated me at times

I know I have annoyed her at times

But…

I know she loves me….

Confidence and my weird witch voice

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SO my confidence has gone up in life…

Finallyyyy

At 34 almost years old

I know this because

A….

I though of something so important to say that I had to do it while showering

AND

B…. because

Today this young girl said “you have a weird voice” {in weird little girl voice}

Literally this young innocent sweet girl who is just being brutally honest, not even coming off mean, just noticing her surroundings and apparently what she noticed was………………………………….. “I have a weird voice”

And then she says “IT’S LIKE A WITCH” {in a cute weird little girl voice}

I think its cute. My pride isn’t hurt…. {no ego or pride hurt here by this sweet innocent honest little girl}

…

I mean yeah

I always kind of thought my voice sounded funny on recordings

But I figure that’s how it is with everybody when you hear your voice

Like some weird matrix shit

So I just thought that was normal and that my voice was normal

…

So now at 34 almost years old

I am starting to wonder if my voice is actually funny

Like haha not wow that was a good joke

but like haha your voice sounds strange

….

So

Here where my confidence part kicked in

I have this conceited thought while in the shower

I thought hey

Its better to hear it from this little girl whos being all cute and sweet

Its better to hear it from her that my voice is “funny” and “sounds like a witch” than from people and my tolls on the internet when I get like

Big and famous

You know and I get trolls and shit

…

One troll one day is going to say to me “your voice sounds funny”

And I am going to be like

Thank you…. little girl

Thank you for that

I really appreciate you bringing that to my attention but uh

Yeah, I think its pretty cool

….

Anyways, that was my thought in the shower

And I knew

I know I was going to forget it

If I didn’t tell it

And

I was like 100% sure that I was going to fuck it up

But uh apparently I didn’t

I think I made it all the way through

And I didn’t you know get side tracked by a squirrel or something

….

Just remember that guys when you tell me my voice sounds funny

Or when you think it

It doesn’t hurt me

You cant hurt me

I think its cute

Bye……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

………………………………………. . . . .

I cant frickin log into my phone to turn this recording off

Because my hands are all wet and it doesn’t recognize the finger print

But I finally got it unlocked right now

And sorry you had to hear that

Thank you for listening this far

If you got this far

Your fucking awesome!

Fuck Fuckboys

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No!

I do not want to have some “fun” with you.

I haven’t even met you.

Your cock is not some prized possession to me and your skills I’m sure will leave much to be desired.

I can fuck myself better than you ever will.

To hook up with you early on would be only to your pleasure.

I’m not down for pleasuring some guy I don’t even know if I can even stand as a person.

If you want me you have to prove you’re interested in more than just my body parts and looks.

I’m not looking for a sex partner.

I’m looking for my best friend.

Someone who will be there for me through thick and thin.

Comfort me in times of need.

Challenge me to be stronger.

Be my muse.

Inspire me.

Teach me new things.

Explore the unknown with me.

Let me into your world.

Show me a possible and grand future with you.

And I’ll do the same for you.

Only then (if we’re on the same page) may I be able to actually enjoy having sex with you.

Till then don’t even try to kiss me or ask me for a kiss.

Why not try to be so amazing I can’t help but ask {YOU} for a kiss…