Drug addict brother

My life has been uprooted and every day has been a struggle for me since my brother showed up at 9pm on Saturday July 24th with dried blood on his teeth, a swollen jaw, barely able to open his mouth, with a face and mind I do not recognize. He has been living in a very dark and dangerous world I know nothing about and it breaks my heart.


I am an extremely deep feeling person and have been left alone from the only family I have. I cry every day and have constant headaches from it. I am not able to sleep, I’m full of anxiety and find myself slipping into a deep depression. I am nauseous, hardly able to eat, down 5 pounds in 3 days.


I have not heard from my brother since and I do not know if I ever will. I feel as though his death is coming, if it has not already. I have his dog now, along with my senior medically challenged cat and dog in my 1 bedroom apartment with not much help or support . They get along fine, although cramped. Most tell me to get rid of my brothers dog but this was my dads dog too. My dad who passed away 3 years ago yesterday. This dog is family. This dog is sweet and grieving just like me and I cannot turn my back on him when I know what it feels like. This dog may be the last gift and connection to my brother. I get so lonely and depressed at night and my brothers pit bull is the only one there I can hug that feels almost like a person.

My depression ate the cookie even though the OCD said NO.

…. “So today my coworker could see that uh, I was pretty down” ….

…. “I was like, I’m out, I’m done” ….

…. “He tried to give me a cookie” ….

…. “If you know me, you know I’m NOT a big fan of even ME, MYSELF, touching my own food” ….

…. “My coworker sees I’m not the person he knows, its scary, I’m fucking dark” ….

…. “All I do is see that he’s holding it with his fingers” ….

…. “I take it just to be polite” ….

…. “Then I’m like god damn it its a f****** white maca chip, what is that? white chocolate macadamia nut, god damn that, that’s my favorite” ….

…. “I’m just like f*** this, I’m so fucking done, I’m so f****** lost and low” ….

…. “I don’t give a f*** about anything” ….

…. “Fuck this!” ….

…. “I’m eating the cookie” ….

{RAMBLE…. LISTEN TO THE AUDIO ITS SUPER WAY GREAT}

…. “F*** this, I’m depressed, I’m low, I’m f****** done, I don’t care” ….

…. “I’m eating the whole f****** cookie” ….

…. “Finger prints and all” ….

…. “Bring it on c***d-19, I don’t give a f***, Might be good for me” ….

Thanks for listening guys

…. “I feel like I’m living on the edge right now because I only have like one podcast scheduled to go out” ….

…. “ . . . They are so old when I listen to those I am like {god damn that’s an annoying b****}” ….

…. “. . .  I’m not postings that one, that one is so lame” ….

…. “um… so…….” ….

…. “I thought this is kinda cool actually” ….

…. “It means that my podcast and blog posts and everything with my instagram posts and all that . . . {because it’s happening in the same few days} it’s  like in real time” ….

…. “A lot of the old podcasts were like months old, or weeks old and now I’m at couple hours old type shit” ….

…. “So this shit is getting real” …. 

…. “Um. . . Sure its nice to have 7 podcasts scheduled for the week but uh. . . It’s hard. . . I’m working a lot and uh. . .yeah. . .” ….

…. “I don’t even want to go into the iPhone 5c and 6 archives. . . Or the iPads. . .um. .  ” ….

…. “I ain’t prepared to listen to those, they in the bad parts of life” ….

…. “. . . This is too boring, this is too sad” ….

…. “Not much of those get out” ….

…. “I feel like I’m eventually gonna run out and then I’m going to have. . .I’m gonna miss a day. . .and that’s crazy” ….

…. “I don’t know what happened, I just started this podcast so intuitively and uh . . . With no f****** plan but from day one the plan was, upload one a day and now I’m like shit. . . It’s getting scary” ….

…. “I’m getting scared, if I miss a day I’m gonna feel super disappointed” ….

…. “How hard can it be to upload a rant a day they are like 2 minutes long!? . . .  I can do it!. . .  I got this!. . .” ….

…. “I’m doing what I do and I like it and uh well see what happens and don’t beat me up if skip a day cuz I get busy. . . K? Thanks! Thanks for listening guys” ….

Peed in the jacuzzi

…. “I was thinking like what am I going to talk about? I don’t know what to talk about” ….

…. “Let’s f****** do story time and let’s start at the beginning” ….

…. “I have a really bad memory. . . We’ll get to that later but. . .” ….

…. “Trying to think of the oldest memory I have of when I was little. . .” ….

…. “. . . And this one is so dumb but we’re starting at the beginning so here goes” ….

…. “Um. . . I was probably about six I think. . .  I don’t know” ….

…. “I was young and we were all in the hot tub” ….

…. “. . .  Six. . . Ten. . . Whatever. . .” ….

…. “. . . And I peed” …. {shhhh}

….  “I peed in the hot tub, the jacuzzi or whatever” …. 

…. “I thought. . .  no like I’m six. . . It’s ok. . . it’s ok  I have to pee. . . I don’t want to get out. . . Everyone’s going to look at me. . .” ….

…. “My Uncle. . . Whatever ever the guy is. . . My grandma’s brother. . . I’ll call him my uncle cuz I don’t think he is by grandpa. . .he is not my grandpa. . .” ….

…. “Um. . .he. . .uh. . .he was like {WHO PEED IN THE THE JACUZZI}” ….

…. “And I was like . . . Grew up my whole life so f****** mortified. . .” ….

…. “So mortified that ummm. . .  That he knew. . . Somebody peed. . . And maybe he could spot my poker face, you know?” ….

…. “At six years old I was like. . .{does he know its me, or do I have a good poker face, I don’t know I’m six! F***!}”  ….

…. “NOW. . . As an adult I think about this and I’m like {come on I’m a six year old!?}” ….

…. “How much pee did I have?” ….

…. “Like an ounce of tequila? “ ….

…. “How did this uncle thing know that I peed in the pool and I’m like NO!” ….

…. “I don’t think that’s possible. . .just one six year old. . . But there was probably multiples of us in there” ….

…. “So I think we must of all f****** peed in the jacuzzi so it was concentrated enough to so that my . . . Uncle man knew we peed in the pool” ….

Mad at the dolphins

…. “So I don’t have a podcast, I almost wasn’t?!” ….

…. “I was like you know what? F*** it, I’m not gonna do a podcast” ….

…. “But then right now I just said f*** it, I’m gonna do a podcast” ….

…. “I’m gonna speak it right now {this is what I’m doing}” ….

…. “Then I’m gonna type that s*** up and put it up there so that we have a mother f****** podcast for tomorrow, OK?” ….

…. “I don’t know who is listening but thank you and here goes” ….

** A very high, tired me  trying to tell a story on why I hated dolphins for all my childhood. ***Too high and tired to transcribe the rest of the recording
****Not sure anyone reads this anyway

All I want in a relationship

…. “If it sounds like I’m peeing. . . . I’M NOT” ….

…. “I’m just brewing some tea . . . So don’t get on my case about that” ….

…. “After a long day at work and standing . . . My f****** feet, ankles, knees, back, arms, everything just hurts” …. 

…. “So all I want is just someone who’s gonna rub my feet and head and everything in between” …. 

…. “And um. . . Cuddle and not say a word” ….

…. “Like that’s all I want in life, and if I ain’t getting that from someone why the f*** am I in a relationship with you?” ….

No one is screwing me over anymore

…. “I definitely wasn’t always the person who didn’t give a s*** about anything or what people do, say or think about me” ….

…. “I was definitely the opposite of that for the majority of my life” ….

…. “And unfortunately it was like my last {kind of} relationship, if you want to call it that, that uh really made me snap and just say f*** it ” ….

…. “I’m so f****** done!” ….

…. “Because. . .like. . .this m***** f***** like assaulted me and manipulated me” ….

…. “It was so fucking bad and I didn’t even know it till like a few weeks in what the f*** was going on and what had happened actually ” ….

…. “I was so f****** like freaked out and like what the f***?! How did this happen? ” ….

…. “And um, like I’m trying to get rid of this m***** f***** and trying to be nice about it” ….

…. “I realize, like yeah, me being nice and trying not to hurt other people was reallly really f****** me over” ….

…. “And finally I had to tell this m***** f*****, don’t f***** contact me” ….

…. “And it was like weird, it was super hard and strange and it felt good” ….

…. “It felt so f****** good that like I really just snapped into this other side of it where I’m like f*** that feels good to just not give a f***” ….

 …. “I’m not taking care of your feelings anymore its time to take care of my feeling” ….

…. “I’m still a good person. . . . But. . . No one is f****** me over anymore” ….

Random thoughts and facts

…. “So uh” ….

…. “Sorry I’ve been a little MIA on the podcast” …. 

***(PS find me where the podcasts are for the most current rants)***

…. “Just uh. . . I don’t know. . . Trying to figure my life out” ….

…. “Also . . . Uh. . . ” ….

…. “Sometimes I have my cup that I drink my tea in and I clean it out in the shower  while I clean myself” …. 

…. “I thought I wanted you guys to know that” ….

…. “As I’m just showering and doing my dishes over here” ….

Getting good at being yelled at

…. “Just waking up” ….

…. “I’m up, I’m up, I’m up, I’m up” ….

…. “I just was thinking” ….

…. “Going down memory lane and how I used to just be this different person that . . . um couldn’t handle stress” ….

…. “I was like terrified of everything, Everything!” …. 

…. “I needed to be institutionalized, I mean I might still need to be institutionalized but whatever I’m happy” ….

…. “Back then I wasn’t happy and I was fucked up. . . or in a different way and um. . .” ….

…. “Im just like wow I’ve come so fucking far” ….

…. “I’m so like spiritual and awakened you know, like. . .” ….

…. “When theses m***** f****** are b******* and moaning at me” ….

…. “I don’t even f****** bat and eyelash” ….

…. “I know, I’m like in my head {I know this m***** f***** is having a bad day}” ….

…. “Whatever, something ain’t right, it has absolutely nothing to do with me” ….

…. “They are just sick of all the rules and changes in life and all the other drama in their life” ….

…. “So they are taking this s*** out on me” ….

…. “I realize this, I realize this” ….

…. “I just sit there and let them go on their little hissy fits” …. 

…. “It’s the best f***** thing to do because these m***** f****** shut up and end up apologizing to me cuz they realize how f****** dumb they are!” …. 

….{Side story rant}….

…. “Mind you, I’m in the middle of a f****** haircut right now!” …. 

…. “So I tell this mother f*****. . .” ….

…. “So this guy keeps going off and saying some bull s***” ….

…. “Yes, I was shaky, I was reeling, reeling, reeling” …. 

…. “I wasn’t about to meet that fool with his energy” ….

…. “I hear this mother f***** say {it’s a real hostile environment in here, isn’t it?}” ….

…. “I’m not giving that f****** idiot any time of day right now” ….

…. “He is on a different plane and I don’t want to get on that one” ….

…. “I guess apparently he apologized to the stylists. . .” ….

…. “Awesome sweet” ….

Butterfly filter lips

…. “God damn these f****** internet filters, like they be getting me” ….

…. “I done even like that the f***** butterflies are there” ….

…. “I just like the tones that it tones my picture to, it smoother my skin to look like a babies ass, um like it gives what looks like cool eyelashes or something, and it lightens my eyes . . . AND THEY ARE DIFFERENT COLORS” ….

…. “F*** yeah, of course I like that shit” ….

…. “But um IDGAF about the butterflies but they are there” ….

…. “Cheaper than getting contacts” ….

…. “Wait wait wait. . . I thought your lips were bigger than that b****” ….

…. “You realize all these filters be plumping your lips {laughs} and giving you f****** lip injections” ….

…. “You didn’t even know. . .  Now you tripping out in the mirror like where the f*** my lips go?” ….