I have tried dating this year and I kind of feel like the universe is just saying no. Like I am not meant to date right now or find anybody. I feel like I need to get my mental health in check. I’m doing okay but also deep down maybe not so great.
I mean why do I have such bad insomnia? It’s 3:26 a.m. right now and I can’t sleep. Who wants to date that you know? And maybe I need to work on my physical health. I look fine but I don’t know. Who wants to date someone with so many health problems?
I also want to like get a little better in shape but as I get better in shape I know that people are getting worse in shape or when I see someone in really good shape then I realize that they’re probably… That I’m not in enough shape for them or maybe they’re too much of a gym bro and too addicted to working out which is funny because that’s probably what other people think about me but it’s probably more like my diet.
I don’t know if I should say diet or more so my way of eating… I don’t drink soda… I barely… I mean if I do it’s like little sips or just a few sips of juice. I don’t really drink caffeine mostly because I have heart issues that I notice it makes it worse or I will get anxiety from it but I really love matcha green tea and I really miss my matcha green tea but I notice I feel better without it. I don’t really like to drink alcohol because I’ll get hangovers or I’ll get stomach aches or I notice it fucks with my mental health so I’m just like really unfun.
I’m boring to people. When I see someone I might like that’s good-looking and in shape I think they probably won’t like me or maybe they’re like super active and like climbing the face of a rock and I just think oh gosh, I’m not as adventure-seeking and in shape as what they want.
And I so I’m in therapy… I’m trying to work shit out and I don’t even know if it’ll ever get worked out.
I feel like I’m at a dead end because I can’t remember my childhood that well and I guess my therapist says that’s where it started. You gotta go back to the start and I can’t remember. I blocked that shit out apparently. But yeah… So I’m trying to… Like I’m realizing I probably should work on my mental health and physical health you know. I do see a lot of doctors for my heart or endometriosis and the complications of all that and yeah… I just think what guy wants to deal with that…
Financially I’m doing okay probably better than most because like I don’t waste my money on eating out and I don’t smoke or drink and I don’t, I don’t know what other things do people waste their money on. I know how to save money, I know how to live below my means for the most part. I make sure to splurge a little, but financially I’m doing okay. But just… I usually meet guys that are like really not doing okay financially, or they’re doing way, way better financially, and then I’m just out of their league.
So I guess I want to work on becoming like super rich now… But I don’t know… I want to work on making enough money to be able to live a little bit more fun and travel and paint my house… I mean pay someone to paint my house instead of me having to do it and taking a million years. I want to be like that type of rich because right now I’m rich as long as I don’t have a social life and work five days a week, 40 hours a week, you know? And then it sucks the life out of you, literally.
So I really think I’m not meant to date. I’m meant to work on my art career and focus on that, you know? I think if I’m dating, it takes away my attention and energy and time to work on that. And I give up my dreams and my goals to try to fit into some mold that someone might possibly like me. And it’s confusing and awkward and I’m horrible at it.
Probably… I really do think I’m some kind of like neurodivergent autistic or on the Asperger’s spectrum. I really do believe it. My therapist doesn’t think so. But I’ve only seen him every week for about… A few months… What does he know? I’m just high-functioning and good at masking it I believe… Maybe I’m wrong and I’m just fucked up. Maybe that’s it… Maybe there’s no other excuse… No medical excuse other than I am fucked up and I had a fucked up childhood… I mean… That’s definitely accurate either way.
But Yeah… So after last year 2024 I tried dating organically. I had three little situationships evolve and yeah it was always just a situationship. I guess I just felt never good enough that they ever wanted to have a real relationship with me. I was just good enough for them to make time to stick their dick in me. It’s pretty morbid to think about it like that but that’s exactly what it was. They made time to sleep with me and that was it. And it’s sad because it’s like so hard for me to like like someone, to actually like someone enough to like do that with and it’s because I want more than just that and then I kind of realize that I’m just in this cycle of that’s all they want from me.
So then this year… Maybe like… Yeah pretty much January 1st I think… I was like… I guess I’ll try online dating and I had said quite a many few years ago that I was never gonna do that again. I don’t know why I didn’t listen but I tried it again.
First I tried Facebook dating and that’s horrible. They immediately… I mean there’s a lot of good-looking guys on there… There’s a lot of… What’s the word… “Produce”… I don’t know… There’s a lot of SELECTION to choose from and they’re good-looking… I don’t know how many are actually single… It’s just this free little part of Facebook and I went on a few dates and they immediately try to like hook up and I’m not about that and so it turns me off… Freaks me out… Makes me feel like they’re only after one fucking thing yet again…
And then… There was one person I liked and we talked for like maybe a month on the messenger, not through our phones, but just Facebook dating messages and um I was really starting to like this person but we never really met and then I started to wonder if they ever wanted to meet and um I just kind of got over it because I’m not looking for a pen pal and I tried to give them my number but then I fucked it up after not getting a response after maybe 24 hours… Maybe it was only 12 hours… But I knew it was enough time that they probably saw it and they didn’t reach out and I just kind of freaked… I don’t know… Don’t want to say freaked out.. But I kind of was just like fuck this and I deleted my dating profile and ruined my chances with the one person that I really did kind of like… But I was over it…
I was over online dating but then my bipolar ass… My… I don’t know… My therapist never said I was bipolar but I definitely have some bipolar tendencies… Just a few days later I thought well let’s just give Match.com a try. So then I tried Match and the guys seemed a little more serious because it’s a paid site but the selection was not as good looking and um… I mean online dating… You’re kind of starting with that (looks). I hate to admit it so there’s that…
And I just wasn’t… It was harder… I mean I met another one that we talked for about two weeks and the conversation was actually pretty good and we went on a date and it was pretty good and then they said they just didn’t really see it going anywhere as far as LTR {long-term relationship, their abbreviation not mine though I did have to google it even though they were 9 years older than me} and you know… I probably… Deep down kind of figured that and wasn’t surprised… I was willing to look past their red flags that I saw… So I’m happy it didn’t work so I didn’t have to get into a bad situation because I was overlooking their red flags… And now I’m just over it.I tried the free site. I tried the paid site. I tried real dating. None of it worked. There is a common denominator here, and it is me. It’s me! I’m the problem! Hi… Yeah… How does that song go?
So I’m just here now. What time is it? 3:41 a.m. Tuesday, February 18th, and I’m here contemplating life and how I think it’s time I just give up on love and trying to find it or thinking I will ever have it. There’s some character flaw I have. There are many character flaws that I have… And I just I need to stop. I’m going to stop. And I’m just going to learn to love myself more and better. You know…
I feel like I have a pretty good like self-love in a way more than most, but also I also probably have a self-hate more than most. I feel like, okay, yeah, I feel pretty or whatever, but also I feel I’m so critical and I feel hideous and like that’s not a good thing. That’s not a good… I don’t have that self-esteem thing… And if I… I don’t know… How could… How could I date? I don’t know, you’re supposed to love yourself so you could love others and yeah, I love myself, but also I hate myself, and I need to work on that and I need to just work on getting the life I want without anybody… Maybe by some miracle I’ll meet someone along the way, but I’m 38. I’m getting older. Looks are fading. Health is declining. Mental health is dark deep down.
I’m really good at being alone. I don’t even know how I could do that… That would just be weird. I’ve been so alone and on my own for so long. I don’t know how to rely on people. I don’t know how to share my life with people. I don’t know how to share my space like that.
Anyway.
That’s it.
I am officially done with love.
Thank you for listening if you made it this far