I’ve had a lot of bad sexual experiences in my life and you can pretty much start at the beginning…
Let’s say like junior high school days and I’m already off to a bad bad start… Let’s just say I don’t remember anyone teaching me about the birds and the bees or about self worth or self esteem… None of that!…
I was just trying to think, out of all the people I’ve slept with, um sadly it’s more than a few… There’s not very many that I’ve slept with that I can be like “I’m really happy I slept with that person” and like that’s bad!… That is sooo bad ….
Sex is supposed to be a very intimate thing… I don’t just let anybody in my intimate zone {NOW}… But I mean. . . I did . . . but like . . . I didn’t know this {THEN}…
How many of these guys? {more than a few}… How many of them do I really NOT regret having sex with?…. At the moment can only think of like 1 {maybe, kinda, sorta}…
It’s blowing my mind that it is so close to zero out of the “NOT so few” guys I’ve slept with and that’s really fucked up…
That’s why I’m fucked up….
I’ve become this person who is really craving that intimacy but just having sex with someone isn’t how I get that intimacy. . . . . . . . . . . I’ve realized….
Like everyone of those fucking dudes that I regret having sex with which is majority… Umm… Did I get that intimacy I wanted?… Like NOOOO….
I just ended up getting invaded. . . they just invaded me. . . like I wasn’t fucking ready. . . I didn’t know who they are…
I didn’t know so much back then. . . I was so young….
I just wanted love. . . I just wanted attention . . . I wanted affection. . . And um… That’s how I DIDN’T get it…. {laughs}…
But I thought I was gonna get it that way…
It didn’t work out very well for me….