So I went to the hospital about a week ago {January 30th 2024}… I was advised by the urgent care that I go because my heart was not looking right on the EKG… After two nights in the hospital… We found out so far that I have PVCs… Which are premature ventricle contractions… And tachycardia… Which I believe is fast heartbeat… And then also we found out that I have mild mitral valve prolapse…
It’s weird… When I went into the hospital… They definitely were tripping on me… They were thinking I was having a heart attack… So it looked pretty fucking serious to them… For them to treat me pretty seriously… But now they’re kind of like oh… It’s this… It’s fine… And it just doesn’t feel fine… To have a heart condition…
It’s a scary fucking thing when you’re 37 years old… I know I’m not that young… But I’m not that old… I’m not even overweight… I don’t get what happened… And it’s scary because a part of me wants to believe these doctors…
But also a part of me thinks… We haven’t studied it enough and we are going to but these doctors are so busy that I have to wait three weeks for the holter monitor test… And another few days to even see the doctor to get the results for that and I had a push for that appointment because she wanted that appointment to be three months later after we did that holter monitor test… They can’t even get me in for the stress test for three fucking months… I get it… They’re not like slacking on the test… They’re doing their best… They are busy… But their best is fucking shitty with getting me in to do these tests to understand what’s going on… And it’s scary because I’m having relapse episodes…
They gave me beta blocker medication and I prayed for the best… I really did I hope it would work and I see a lot of improvement but I see that it’s not 100% and that’s scary… Because I am having like relapse episodes that get fucking scary… I Had one get real bad recently that lasted about 15 hours… I couldn’t sleep… I went over 24 hours with no sleep… My heart feeling like it was beating out of my chest and beating wonkily… And felt like at any moment I was just going to fucking have extreme pain and it was going to take a shit on me… It’s terrifying to feel that…
It’s hard when you’re drained from all the doctors and all the time in the hospital… Even that day I had to go to the doctor and I have PTSD about going to doctors and stuff now… I thought maybe they’re gonna send me to the hospital… So the last time I got sent to the hospital I was not prepared… I brought two books… I didn’t bring a phone charger… I didn’t bring toothpaste… I didn’t bring my iPad… You know… I really wish I had those things… And so this time I was going to be prepared… I packed my stuff nervously… Terrified-ly… I waited in the lobby nervously until I saw the doctor and I was still nervous and terrified… And I told her what was going on and she had suggested I need to take more time off of work… I need to get more answers from these tests… Which I’m waiting weeks for and months for… But we need to get more answers… We need to understand what’s going on better… My heart is too erratic to return to normal life activities and work apparently…
And that’s whatever… That’s depressing… It really is depressing to be locked up in your apartment that you live alone in… You don’t have a yard to sit in with privacy… You don’t have any animals because they all went over the rainbow… All you have is your plants… Your income is dramatically down to almost zero… More like in the negative if you consider all the bills that are on their way… So it’s depressing…
It’s hard living alone because when I had that 15 hour relapse episode with the extreme PVCs and VTs or whatever… Premature ventricle contractions and ventricle tachycardia… But yeah… When that shit was acting up for prolonged hours and at extreme levels… It is scary as fuck… And it’ll make you psychotic… Especially when you’re alone… Living alone… You have nobody to wake up and cry to… Nobody to hold you… Death becomes like a really convoluted topic… I’m not even sure if I’m using convoluted in the right way… I’m guessing convoluted is like both sides…
What I mean is at one minute I’m terrified… Absolutely scared to death of dying and thinking about weird things… Like… When I die… Why do I give a fuck about what happens after… If I’m dead… I don’t know… But I’m terrified to die alone and nobody know about it… I’m just gonna like lay here… Dead on the floor or wherever and nobody is gonna find out for a while and then I’m gonna look extra nasty and smelly… I don’t want to do that to people… Even me in my death… I don’t want to do that to people… I don’t want to be that disgusting of a last memory to people… If you know what I mean…
And then you start thinking about things like that they’re gonna have to go through my house and see my fucking toys you know? It’s awkward… I mean… That was already a thought when I was in the hospital because my mom was… She’s was like… “should I come down? Should I come down? Should I come down?” And I was like… NOOOo… Don’t… Because in my head… I didn’t know where I left the toy… Like… Was it out on the counter? Was it on the nightstand? Was it put away… hidden? I didn’t know… I’m embarrassed… I don’t want my mom to see it… We already have enough stories of that kind of shit that I’ll say for another time…
I was really in a weird place with death… Of being terrified of it… And then your heart’s just pounding and pounding and pounding and you’re so tired and you can’t sleep because your heart’s just pounding and pounding for hours and hours… And… Um… The anxieties… Just getting worse with each hour of lost sleep… Psychosis is setting in and… Um… You start to flirt with death… You start to… Um… Get really morbid… You know? It’s a really bad thing… Really quite a scary place… It’s a really scary time to experience and be in and to be in a alone… Nobody there to… I don’t know… Distract you… Hold your hand… Make you laugh… Watch a movie with you… Rub your feet or shoulders… Brush your hair… Sit in the bath with you… Just look in their eyes… I don’t know… Know that they love you and they’re there for you…
Like… Yeah… It would be nice to have that… But you become very aware that you don’t have that… If that’s what you want… And that’s depressing… But I also can realize a lot of people are in relationships and even they don’t have that so that’s sad as fuck and I won’t be caught in one of those situationships… Ever… But yeah… It’s scary… To be young… I mean I’m sure it’s scary to be any age and have a heart problem… But just to be young and have a heart problem and you haven’t built a family and the family you do have is far away and out of touch or not qualified to be there for you… It’s just a really hard thing to deal with…
So yeah… Here I am trying to prepare and trying to mentally process this situation… Like you know… Be my own coach of what should I do? How can I be better? What would help me through this? And the only thing I feel like that can help me through this is to really work on becoming at peace with death…
Knowing that there is a possibility that at any moment I could have like some kind of severe flare up… I guess you could say… And it could be fatal… And I need to accept it and I need to be okay with it…
And I know it’s more of a work in progress type thing… But I think that’s kind of the work I need to progressively work on is to be okay with death so that I can live now in a more present and calm state…
