Yay, Happy New Year to me. It is January 2nd, I think…
So I spent the 1st and the 2nd pretty much on my deathbed with a fever… I don’t know if it’s the C**** word…
I don’t have a test… I did go to CVS to try to buy one…I chickened out because it’s just awkward and someone was taking a long time at the register so I was like f*** this and I walked out… I pretended like someone was calling me…
I wish I knew what the hell’s going on with me right now and if it is in fact that… But the fact is I have some kind of cold or flu and or virus or infection or whatever… I have something and I feel like s***… I’m bringing in the new year in style…
So I’m trying to listen to some healing, cooling music… Scared s***less {because fevers are scary to me}…
The first time I got c**** I got a really bad fever, I woke up like a crackhead, shaking and shivering like I needed my next dose of crack…
I was so cold and shivery, and my knees literally knocked together as I tried to draw a bath… Just to be warm, I was freezing… And sure enough, I found out it was what I suspected… {the C word}…
It’s funny… I got that way late in the game… I got that in about {2022}… Uh, March of {2022}. It was crappy. I had a fever for about three days and yeah, your body just hurts…
I don’t get why… I do not understand why it hurts so bad… Like what’s going on in there? But yeah, my lower back hurts, my shoulders hurt, my neck hurts… I got a headache… I get chills and then I get hot and sometimes it just whooshes over me really intense too…
And that’s when I get scared because I knew somebody who had a son who when he got fevers when he was younger, he had seizures… And I know I’m not a kid and I’m pretty healthy, but still I did have a seizure before, not from fevers…
Okay… Yeah… Drugs… Yes… but I did have a seizure, I don’t know why I’m scared of them or having another one because I don’t remember a f******* damn thing about having a seizure, but it’s still f****** scary…
And when I had the seizure the first time, it was June 9th of 2005… I just graduated high school end of May… And it was a week later I had the seizure…
But that was when I was 18 or so… And that was when I lived with my parents and my mom found me… She heard a weird noise… She ran upstairs… She saw me in the bed and at first she thought I was having sex because I had no shirt on because I don’t like clothes, especially when sleeping…
So I’m like convulsing and she thought I was humping someone… Like I was having a fun time on top doing the rodeo… But no it wasn’t that and then she got closer and realized that my eyes were rolled back I think I was drooling or foaming at the mouth…
I don’t remember any of this s***… I remember sitting in the hospital bed… groggy and wondering when I get to go home… I don’t even remember what my reaction was…
Who told me I had a seizure? What was my reaction? I don’t know? They don’t even remember… Well my dad’s gone so I can’t ask him and my mom is on her way to dementia in Alzheimer’s so she can’t remember s***… So we will never know but yeah I was pretty out of it…
All I remember was my mom always gave me PTSD always screaming at me telling me “don’t get stressed out or you’re gonna have another seizure” yada yada yada…
I had the seizure in my sleep so afterwards when I got home and with my mom f****** yelling at me, don’t get stressed, I was terrified to have another seizure… I had severe insomnia, thinking that I was gonna have another seizures in my sleep, that I had the nocturnal {epilepsy disorder}…
Doctors even put me on anti-seizure medicine, and I had a bad reaction to it… got hives, I remember… And I got a medical suspension on my license, I couldn’t drive till doctors figured out if I had epilepsy or not…
So it was an ordeal… It was a real ordeal… I’m not even being a drama queen right now about that… And so yeah, it did put a lot of fear in me and then to find out my friend has this son who gets fever seizures…
That’s terrifying {to me}… So it’s in my head as someone with hypochondria, when you get a fever, that there’s a possibility that you could have a fever seizure, and I’m f****** scared of them. I’m scared…
Okay, gave me a f******* break… Laugh all you want… I’m f****** laughing at myself too, I know that’s hilarious…
But it’s just, it’s a little scary because I live alone… Like there’s no one here to catch me… And I don’t know, give me help this time…
I know you should not read stuff on the internet… But like I said, I live alone, I’m scared, who am I going to talk to? At 12:29 in the in the morning?
Yes, it’s the morning… 12:29 AM… Nobody’s up… Nobody’s around… Nobody wants to talk to my crazy ass… Nobody cares enough about me like that… My mom loves me… She’s the only one who loves me… And {I know} she won’t talk to me about that s*** right now…
So I don’t know who else is gonna… So I’m f****** terrified, and I feel cracked out on terror… I can’t sleep… Yeah, I’m scared…
I’m trying to monitor myself and wondering when does things get serious? When am I supposed to go to the hospital?
The internet is very conflicting about it… It’s like 102 fever is getting more serious… 104 fever is a medical emergency, and then 107 fever is brain damage…
And that’s scary… I do not wanna be laying on the floor here with a 107 degree temperature, getting f****** brain damage for f****** hours and hours and hours… And I don’t want to live through that…
That’s the worst part… I don’t want to live through that… Please just take me at that point, somebody out there… Do not let me live through that… Please, please, please. It is f****** scary…
So here I am just laying in bed, listening to my healing music because I don’t know what else to do… I’m in too much f***** pain and the last thing I want to do is drive my ass somewhere like a hospital and sit in uncomfortable ass chairs and wait around {for hours}…
No, I do not want to do that… It’s after midnight… I mean, I guess if my fever gets to 102, I’ll have to figure something out… But till then, I’m just monitoring myself… I’m trying to heal myself…
Got my healing sounds… YouTube, you know, it says that if you listen to this, it could lower your body temperature… Like YouTube is legit… I read the comments…
I don’t know if you haven’t figured out my sarcasm now or if you think I’m serious and THAT crazy, like cool, I guess…
Moving on… Yeah, just the randomest things just pop up, wide awake, adrenaline rushing through, feeling like I could die tonight… And I know like that’s dramatic… I know it… I don’t know… I mean, I guess that’s just who I am…
And I don’t really like it, but also have to learn to love it… I have to learn to love who I am… So I own it… I’m pretty self-aware…
I’m probably on some kind of a spectrum… I’m not normal… I’m definitely aware of that… yeah…
I think I’m pretty awesome… I got really cool unique qualities…
I don’t know why I’m talking about this… I’m just delirious… I’m tired… I don’t ever sleep good… I woke up early as s*** today because I felt like s***… I’ve been up all freaking day just wired with feeling like crap…
But I kind of was productive too just sitting in bed working on stuff on my laptop or whatever iPad yeah…
What else… What’s going on in this new years… Hmm I don’t know, just I’m really partying it up and started on the right foot as you can see…
Anyway, this is why I do this… This is why I talk… I feel so much better right now… I feel calmer… I feel like I’ve gotten out some energy by talking… And as I said, I don’t have anyone to talk to…
And it’s different… It’s different when you just think it… When you’re sitting there letting that s*** stew in your head, that s*** will f*** you up… But actually talking it out, like I would with a therapist or something, it’s therapeutic…
It’s really helping me to calm the f*** down and get my mind off of the pain of like my body feeling like I got hit by a f****** train… It gets my mind off of all the fears of what could happen… And all the other just whatever insomnia issues I have, it helps to talk…
And as I’ve said before, it’s just sad to just let my conversation be nothing more than just this random conversation… It’s a little sad to think that this conversation I’m having right now could just die right here right now… I don’t really want that… And that’s why I have continued to record them… I have like 200 or so freaking recordings…
Why do I say 200 OR SO? I know I have over 200 freaking recordings on my phone and this is just this phone… There’s also my old phone…
But yeah, I want to do more with it… I want to get my story out… I want to connect with people…
I want to share my quirky weird uniqueness and maybe make some real friends who can see me for me because this is who I am…
This is a part of me that I don’t really get to… Well, I don’t have anyone in my life who gets to really see it… Yeah, and I kind of wish I did…
Anyway, that’s just weird But um, I guess I’m gonna go… I should take my temperature…
And, yeah, I feel a little better… I feel like talking really helped calm me down… And I’m tired now… So I’m going to get off the phone… I’m going to close my damn eyes… I’m probably not going to sleep… But I’m going to try…
Thank you to anybody who actually listens to this… And if you find any enjoyment out of it, that’s awesome…
If you make fun of me, that’s cool too… You do you… You do what you gotta do to find your happiness in the world…
Have a good night, happy new year… See you on the flip side, or if you don’t hear from me anymore, and that’s probably because my fever was fatal…
Good night everybody… Or good night nobody, I don’t know, bye…