Drug addict brother

My life has been uprooted and every day has been a struggle for me since my brother showed up at 9pm on Saturday July 24th with dried blood on his teeth, a swollen jaw, barely able to open his mouth, with a face and mind I do not recognize. He has been living in a very dark and dangerous world I know nothing about and it breaks my heart.


I am an extremely deep feeling person and have been left alone from the only family I have. I cry every day and have constant headaches from it. I am not able to sleep, I’m full of anxiety and find myself slipping into a deep depression. I am nauseous, hardly able to eat, down 5 pounds in 3 days.


I have not heard from my brother since and I do not know if I ever will. I feel as though his death is coming, if it has not already. I have his dog now, along with my senior medically challenged cat and dog in my 1 bedroom apartment with not much help or support . They get along fine, although cramped. Most tell me to get rid of my brothers dog but this was my dads dog too. My dad who passed away 3 years ago yesterday. This dog is family. This dog is sweet and grieving just like me and I cannot turn my back on him when I know what it feels like. This dog may be the last gift and connection to my brother. I get so lonely and depressed at night and my brothers pit bull is the only one there I can hug that feels almost like a person.

Sex, drugs, and orgasms

…. “I used to be on anti-anxiety medicine.. . “ ….

…. “I was a little emo, angsty kid and uh, {laughs}” ….

…. “I like scraped. . .  You know I wouldn’t call it cutting” ….

…. “I wrote some freakin note and put a little blood on it so that like my mom could think I was serious {laughs}” ….

…. “I was just being a dramatic little b****” ….

…. “So of course my mom takes me to some doctor and was like {she’s broken put some pills in her}” ….

…. “So I started on Prozac really early” ….

…. “You know what. . . I’ve been on the works of pills” ….

…. “In 2016 I was like . . . F*** meat, F*** dairy, F*** psychiatrists and all that shit” ….

…. “In 2018 the vegan diet was f***** me up, I was like slowly dying” ….

…. “My mental health was bad. . . I’d say even schizophrenic at times, full of anxiety and so much physical pain.” ….

…. “I was just so sick” ….

…. “Got back on medication for the anxieties and stuff” …. 

…. “2019 the beginning I started eating meat again. . . ” ….

…. “THATS NOT MY F****** STORY, lets get back on track” ….

…. “Anyways I was on a lot of medications” …

…. “I think I’ve been off all medications for a good couple months now. . . At least 6 months” ….

…. “I’ve gone off medication maybe 3 times total” ….

…. “I always thought like maybe I have that sexual dysfunction cuz I can’t really orgasm that easy” ….

…. “I thought getting off medication would help” ….

…. “It’s still so hard” ….

…. “I realize I think that {laughs}” ….

…. “I think its just that I’ve had really bad experiences” ….

…. “So I think its that” ….

…. “It’s not the medication and the drugs” ….

…. “It’s the bad experiences that make is so I can’t have an orgasm easily” ….

…. “I can, it just takes a lot of work by myself, I don’t f****** trust nobody like that anymore because of my bad experiences” ….

…. “People talk about sex like {oh yeah that sex was good, we were f***** screaming and rocking and the bed broke and this and that}” ….

…. “I’m like what!? . . .That sounds like really uh-emotional, uh-personal. . . That seems very like. . . I DON’T KNOW . . .” ….

…. “You guys didn’t even know each other’s names!? That’s not good” ….

…. “So um. . . I don’t want that! I’m not going to get an orgasm from that” ….

…. “What? Cuz you can eat good pussy?” ….

…. “I can’t! No! I got to be so in love with you that can just blow on it and I will have an orgasm because I’m that in love with you” …. 

…. “That’s the problem, I ain’t getting close to no body to love them” ….

…. “So that’s why I can’t have an orgasm I guess” ….

…. “Does that make sense to you?” ….

…. “It’s eye opening to me” ….

…. “But I don’t know if like, you know. . .” ….

…. “When my sentences come out, I’m my head they are like Mozart music but when it comes out its like Picassos f****** pictures” ….

…. “The whole reason I brought up the whole sex talk orgasm shit was mostly cuz I wanted to say one thing that i thought i thought was funny and I don’t think i said it!? Did I? Do you know if I said it?” …. 

…. “It was that um {laughs} mother f***** I FORGOT!” ….

…. “So when I’m trying to have an orgasm. . . What I do is pretend I am madly in love with this person” ….

…. “. . .the kissing and the cuddling and looking into each other’s eyes, just going really slow and becoming one is what helps me have and orgasm” ….

…. “Not that rough and ready, quick and mother f***** I don’t know what” ….

…. “That’s just NO, porn shit NO” ….

I regret almost all the people I’ve slept with

…. “I’ve had a lot of bad sexual experiences in my life and you can pretty much start at the beginning” ….

…. “Let’s say like junior high school days already off to a bad bad start” ….

…. “Let’s just say I don’t remember anyone teaching me about the birds and the bees or about self worth or self esteem or like none of that!” ….

…. “I was just trying to think, out of the people I’ve slept with, um sadly I think its more than a few” ….

…. “But what is everyone else’s few?!” ….

…. “There’s not very many that I’ve slept with that I can be like {I’m really happy I slept with that person} and like that’s bad!” ….

…. “That is sooo bad” ….

 …. “Sex is supposed to be a very intimate thing” ….

…. “I don’t just let nobody f****** in my intimate zone” ….

…. “But I mean. . .  I did . . . but like . .  . I didn’t know this” ….

…. “How many of theses guys? {and we said it was sadly more than a few} how many of them do I really NOT regret having sex with?” …. 

…. “At the moment can only think of like 1 *maybe, kinda, sorta*” …. 

…. “It’s blowing my mind that it is so close to zero out of the “few you know more than a few” guys I’ve slept with and that’s really fucked up” …. 

…. “That’s why I’m fucked up” ….

…. “Like I’ve become this person who really is like craving that intimacy but like just having sex with someone isn’t how I get thate intimacy. . . . . . . . . . . I’ve just realized” ….

…. “Like everyone of those fucking dudes that I regret having sex with which is majority, umm, did I get that intimacy” ….

…. “Like noooo” …. {laughs}

…. “I just ended up. . . like. . . got invaded. . . like no. . . they just invaded me. . . like I wasn’t f****** ready. . . I didn’t know who they are, were, is!” …. 

…. “But I didn’t know so much back then. . . I was so young” ….

…. “I just wanted love. . . I just wanted attention . . . I wanted affection. . . and um that’s how I didn’t get it” …. {laughs}

…. “But I thought I was gonna get it that way” …. 

…. “It didn’t work very well” …. 

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Fall so hard in love with me

11/7/2020 part 1
11/7/2020 part 2

{PART 1}

I want someone to….

….fall in love with me so fucking hard….

*BEFORE* they sleep with me….

….BEFORE they even had their fucking first kiss with me

Because if you haven’t fallen in love with me so fucking hard….

*BEFORE* you kiss me….

You don’t deserve to kiss me…

…OK

And also…. {Ramble, ramble, ramble, listen to the audio}

{PART 2}

I want you to fall in love with me so fucking hard…

*BEFORE* we have sex…

…So I know you love me for not just the sex…

OK

I need you to love me for the non sexual reasons…

…and that way I know…

….that you will never try to sleep with somebody else…

…because you’re so in love with all the other shit about me…

…I need you to be aware of the non sexual things….

If that makes any sense….

So when you look at these other girls…

….and they’re hotter than me…

….you’re gonna be like….. NO!!!

“But Sams got {THIS} and {THAT} and no ones got that and I fell in love with {THAT}….”

Thats when….

….maybe….

….. I’ll fall in love you…

Love at first sight isn’t true love

October 5th 2020

It may have been love at first sight for you

But you will never know if it’s true love till some time passes

Till you have been through some struggles

Till you have hated that person yet you still cant live with out them

That’s when you know its true love

Just cuz it was love at first sight doesn’t mean its true love

That’s just fucking infatuation

Stop fucking infatuating yourself with strangers and trying to stick your dick in them

Thank you

Sex today is sad

Girl realizes she just met a guy

She barely knows him

Jumps in bed with said guy and puts his junk inside her

They have never even spent 1 hour cuddling

or…

Never saw each other naked before

or…

Had a moment where they loved each other

and…

Never thought about having a life with each other… out of love NOT lust

They have never even had breakfast together…

Saw a sunrise together…

Gone on a hike together…

Discovered a new thing together…

Or just done couples things….

BUT NOW….

Now they have had sex

Two complete strangers have had sex

Before they ever get to know one another really

Now that they have had sex

Sex is on the mind

So uh…

You just don’t get to know people in the same way as if you never had sex with them

You know what I’m saying?…